Weird Science

Let's go all the way to those science filled mystical days of 1985. When John Hughes still made movies and Anthony Michael Hall still starred in them.

The film starts off with Anthony Michael Hall and co-star Ilan Mitchell-Smith perving on a high school girls gymnastics team, before getting wedgied by an insanely young Robert Downey JR.

You'll probably remember Ilan Mitchel-Smith from the other things he went on to do. Such as The Chocolate War, Journey to the Centre of the Earth and now as a professor of English in Texas (oh, that's pretty cool, good for him! Better than fading away in never successful casting calls). Okay, well maybe you won't remember him. Shame, he has a good screen presence and is probably a better actor than Hall.

The two actors play perpetual geeks. Horribly hormonal teen geeky nerds, at that. So late one night, after being inspired by an old Frankenstein flick, they decide to create a simulation on their computer of the perfect woman. To ramp up the computers power they insert 9-inch floppies, hack U.S. Military computers (just think what Matthew Broderick's War Games could have been like if they had just taken this next obvious step... well it would have been just like this really...) and scan in magazine ads of pretty girls who are all Kelly LeBrock. They then do what's only normal after all of this. They tie a car battery to a Barbie doll (re-shaped to look like Kelly LeBrock) and hook that up to the computer as well. Then putting bras on their heads they chant a little. Just at that time the sky above their house goes blood red and starts shooting down bolts of lightening.

Then in the sleepy town of Shermer, Illinois ('One of America's Towns' is it slogan) – the fictitious setting for all of Hughes films – things go wild. Kitchen appliances blow-up, manhole covers explode and saint bernards sit on the ceiling and bark at their owners. The boys panic. But can't turn off the computer. Even swinging a baseball bat only causes the bat to shatter. All of which creates the living, breathing, chest-heaving and pouting Kelly LeBrock into existence.

Which all sounds a bit too far fetched, I know. But you've got to understand, this was 1985, computers were a lot more powerful back then. None of this works with today's lame-arsed modern computers – no, not even with Macs – I've tried.

LeBrock is like a big magical sexy Mary Poppins, who can do anything. Magic-up cars, clothes, motorcycle riding inbred mutant Nazis – you name it. And teaches the young lads confidence while getting them, into crazy mixed-up hi-jinx. Luckily the 'be honest and be yourself' plot is easy enough to ignore. After that the movie pretty much writes itself. We get, evil bully militaristic older brother (played by Bill Paxton) who gets his comeuppance. Lessons in kissing. Masturbation jokes. Literal toilet humour. Car chase. Visiting grandparents being shocked at youthful exuberance – take that establishment!

The film isn't much more than a prolonged teen boy fantasy, and it's to its credit that it doesn't try to be anything more. It hasn't aged well. It's froth. It's dumb. But it's fun dumb froth. And with the smooth direction of Hughes it keeps running well under it's own energy – though the mutant bikers scene could be a bit shorter. And now with all the 80s loveliness the film's even better. All set to the pseudonymous title track by Oingo Boingo, (other music by Wall of Voodoo, Van Halen and Los Lobos) how could you not find a little warmth in your heart for this film?

Great quotes: “So what would you little maniacs like to do first?”, “He pukes, you die!”, “You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue”, “If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?”, “You should know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat”.

Great 80s bits: Popcorn makers. Women's underwear that looks like guy's underwear now. Robert Downey Jr dressed like a back-up singer for Boy George – it's the upturned shirt and jacket over Bermuda shorts that does it. Big hair! Fingerless studded gloves. Sequin tops. Hair worn up and to the side in some sort of weird attempt to look like they've had a horse crash into the side of their heads – did anyone really think this looked good for more than five minutes? Calculator wrist watches. Inter-continental nuclear ballistic missile.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #12

Team America #12
Cover date May 1983

This is it. The big conclusion. The double-sized send off. The final issue of one of the most quintessential series of the 80s. And it's no less the wonder than we've all come to expect from this book.

The cover is suitably evocative of the occasion. The members flying chaotically from a blast. The books masthead shattering at the historical force of this being the last issue. Showing a wonderful sense of humour, the cover blurb reads, 'Because YOU demanded it – the end of Team America!' Which is a lovely indication that the creators knew exactly what they'd managed to create over the last eleven issues.

And for the final story the talents are, Jim Shooter on plot and script, Don Perlin pencilling and doing some plotting as well. Vince Colletta refuses to let the book go quietly into the night without turning up to lend his very special abilities just one last time. Thanks, Vince, it wouldn't have been the same without you! Though to be fair, Colletta manages to do one of his better jobs here. It's obvious he's spent more time than usual on this last issue, and it really shows.

The story starts exactly where issue #11 left off. The team surrounding the unmasked Marauder, in a state of shock. “I'm trippin', right? This has to be un-freakin' real, man!”, exclaims Reddy. Apparently forgetting it was the 80s – yet again. And before us is the Marauder revealed... as [insert drum-roll] Georgianna! Shock! Startle! Surprise! Or “Bless my soul!” as Cowboy says.
Georgianna claims complete ignorance of ever being the Marauder. But before we can delve further into this new mystery, we cut to Hydra Regional Director Elsie Carson. Whom you might recall, despite her being evil, we were sympathetically introduced to last issue. The Hydra agent with a heart. Her plot to kill Team America having failed, she now faces the standard Hydra reprimand – death! Hydra is a tough organisation.
The manner of deathly reprimand chosen is execution by circle of gun men (which seems to me to be as dangerous for the gunmen as the victim. There's a reason firing squads stand in a straight line. And it's a very good reason, too!). But Elsie is craftier than your average Hydra flunky and shoots her way out to freedom. All the while we get to see her thoughts. Most of which are ones for the well-being of the men she shot and their families. They were her employees after all, and Elsie is an example of that softer, fuzzier side of the murderous Hydra we just don't see enough of.

Meanwhile, in the Team America campervan, the lads are going about their lives. Reddy is complaining about all the letters he receives from his estranged father, asking him to come home. While Honcho focuses on his twin passions – muscle men and fashion. He veritably swoons over the Marauder outfit Georgianna was wearing. Marvelling at how it was tailored to make her look like a muscular man and wanting to know if she designed it herself.

Meanwhile yet again, Director Elsie is lurking outside the campervan. After she explains to herself that her hubby and kids are still in danger from Hydra's petty employee motivational practices. She then goes on to explain (to herself) that she's never been a killer – then opens fire with a giant gun on Team America's van, trying to kill them all.

Luckily for the team, Honcho saves them all by imparting some of his CIA training. He tells them to duck. Brilliant, Honcho. You're a regular James Bond. Amongst the hail of gunfire perforating the van, Georgianna helps the reader follow what's happening by exclaiming, “Somebody's trying to kill us!”

What follows next is a street brawl between the entire team versus one mother of two who sits behind a desk all day. And Team America almost loses! They're really not very impressive, but at least it reminds us why their series is getting cancelled.

During the fight we get to see impossible feats of strength from Wolf, along with lines like, “Woman or not, El Lobo will smash you!” Plus satisfying panels of Honcho being high kicked in the chin, Reddy elbowed in the eye, Wolf kicked in the face repeatedly, Georgianna judo thrown like a ragdoll, and Cowboy beaten senseless with the body of one of his addled team mates. It says a lot about the characters when the most enjoyment you get from them is when they're being beaten up. Yeah, go Hydra lady, go!

If this entire issue was just Wolf getting kicked in the face I'd probably rate it as the most satisfying Team America story ever. Sadly, the fight ends when Honcho gets a hold of the gun. And then Elsie tells them the secret origin of that mysterious psychic link between them that has played almost no part at all in the entire series.

Apparently, Hydra selected all of Team America's parents – and a hundred other couples – to be secretly administered drugs that would create an army of super mutant secret agents. However Hydra thought the project, called 'New Genesis', a failure and shut it down. But Elsie figured out that it wasn't entirely unsuccessful. That the team could project the Marauder's personality, power and the bike and the leather clothing too, onto other people in times of need.

Which raises a few things. If hundreds of expectant couples were in this Hydra experiment, why did we get saddled with this band of useless idiots? If the Marauder is a psychic projection of sorts, why does he need to hide his super bike in the team's van? And most disturbingly of all, New Genesis was the file name the Marauder was erasing way back in issue one – which begs the question, this super mutant secret agent plot wasn't just a bit of last minute dodge to wrap up the series, they really sat around and plotted this out all before issue one? And still thought it sounded good?

The murderous Hydra lady, Elsie then tells them her personal story. Of her crippled husband and her kids and how just because she works middle management for a deadly international crime syndicate hell bent on world domination, that doesn't mean she's a bad person. And convinces the team to let her go so she can say good bye to her kids then allow herself to be executed to protect them.

We then get four pages of Elsie saying farewell to her family and facing her assassins. Four pages, which strikes me as a hell of a lot of pages to burn on a non-team member and incidental character in the series last issue. Especially when the team members farewells are so rushed at the end of the book.

Just before Elsie is due to bite the dust, Team America ride in and save the day in a multi page fight scene. Strangely enough, considering this is their last big dynamic appearance ever, the choice was made to not dress them in their colourful team uniforms but in their regular street wear.
In standard Hydra-evil style there's about thirty agents sent to kill Elsie, including two that brought along a massive laser cannon to vaporise the neighbourhood. Hydra's got a massive overcompensation complex.

However the same Team America who could barely survive an angry desperate mother of two earlier make short work of the thirty highly trained combat agents (who apparently never got shown where the triggers are on the guns they carry). Even Georgianna gets into the act, running down the two cannon wielding guys on a motorbike.

Amidst all the confusion, the only plain clothed agent, a black guy – which begs the question, why are the green uniformed agents always white? - makes it through to Elsie's crippled husband and kids. But before he can shoot, Wolf guns him down with one shot.

Hydra handled, Elsie and her family take off in a car to go live new lives never to be seen again – jeez, I guess all those pages spent building up Elsie as a character was worth it then. And Georgianna reveals to Wrench, while standing in the middle of a street fulla unconscious Hydra agents, that she's not been riding Cowboy but that Cowboy has been teaching her to ride. A motorbike. So she could surprise Wrench with her motorbike riding love for him. Instead of asking her if she's retarded, Wrench asks her to marry him. Georgianna replies with, “As they say back in Motown – you got it, Bro!” Oh, Jim Shooter, you got dragged kicking and screaming into the 80s, didn't ya?

Then the story wraps up quick. Wrench and Georgianna decide to leave the team to settle down. And from the way Georgianna can't make eye contact with anyone, you know it was her choice not his. She is the Yoko after all.

Wolf lets the rest know that even though he pretends to be a big tough guy with a violent and bloody past, it turns out he's never killed a person before and needs time to think. To cry. Because Wolf is a baby sook. But having Wolf say he wants to be alone at least moves his character arc along from his desperate need to be part of a team. If Wolf's not careful he might actually end up being the loner that he's always pretended be.

Honcho wants to go back to the CIA. And fight evil and stuff. Being part of a touring racing team not providing him with as much evil fighting as he was initially expecting.

Cowboy wants to open up a racing school. His need to win continuously apparently sated by spending a year in a team that couldn't win very often. Hell, they spent a good portion of the time not even crossing the finishing line.

Reddy is very upset at all of this. Really he's very upset. He's so upset that he begins to cry. The others comfort him and convince him to call and reconcile with his father. So he does. And no surprise everything is peachy. What is surprising is that his dad turns out to be Stan Lee... No really, the slime-bag dad that Reddy has riled against the previous eleven issues, turns out to be Stan the man Lee. Brilliant! With only four pages of story left to this book, Team America doesn't fail to deliver the sheer strangeness it's so much loved for. Well, by me, anyway...

Reddy's dad, Stan Lee, is so appreciative that Reddy's buddies convinced him to call that he offers to give Wrench and Georgianna the 'the biggest, snazziest wedding ever'. This consists of an awning. But it's a very nice awning. Flowers and everything. It looks like the type of awning that could run you up a couple of hundred dollars from any modestly priced wedding hire store. Georgianna looks lovely in her bridal leathers astride her motorbike while taking her vows.

No sooner have the married couple driven off, no wedding reception – Stan Lee's a bit of a tight wad – that the rest of the team say their good byes. Honcho slipping quietly into a car with strange men (nothing new there), Wolf riding away brusquely upon his scoot and Cowboy and a still teary eyed Reddy flying away on separate flights.
Below Reddy's plane, in the desert, rides the Marauder (which must mean one of Team America has managed to render themselves unconscious yet again...) Seeing him there all of a sudden reminds me that this is his only appearance in the story. Once again a fairly decent Team America story has been told, and the Marauder was never missed. He then turns and rides off into the sunset. Taking with him both our thanks for his leaving and any hopes that this book would ever turn into anything more than a bizarrely spectacular train wreck.

Did the team live up to the promise of Marauder's note from issue one? The one that read: “All of you share a common destiny. All of you are linked. All of you can triumph as one, or each of you can fall alone. Die alone, hope dies with you. If you win, I can win. If I win, hope lives on. For all. For America. Who will stand for America? The race awaits. - Marauder.” Well I guess they all sucked, so yeah they sorta shared a common destiny. A destiny of suck. Hope died for me around issue three and did they ever 'stand for America' once? Even just a little teeny-weeny bit? No. No they did not.

Good bye Marauder. Good bye Team America. You were as beautiful and wonderful as the decade that defined you.

There are two interesting text pieces in this issue as well. One an apology/explanation for the cancelling of the book in the letters page. The other a Bullpen Bulletin which has an interview with Vince Colletta. Just to let you know that while Team America might be dead, Colletta was still very much alive and could turn up on your favourite title when you least expected it. Oh, the humanity!
The letters page, written by Jim Shooter, tells us: “Team America was a success – but we had to cancel it anyway”, bullshits Shooter. He goes on to explain that even though the book made a small profit it was more important to free-up valuable talent to work on other projects. Y'know, like Vince Colletta.

“So doesn't Team America deserve the same respect [as Frank Miller's Daredevil]? Isn't it an artistic success? I don't think so”. Wow, who would of expected that sort of honesty from Shooter in a puff piece? Shooter was kinda cool.

He continues, “Don't get me wrong – the creative people involved generally did an outstanding job [generally? Who is he not including in this statement? Colletta?], especially inker Vince Colletta, who stayed with Team America from beginning to end”. What? First, Colletta wasn't on every issue. Issue eleven, Shooter, issue eleven! You know which one I mean, the good looking one! And secondly, what did Colletta do? Drag you out of a burning building then go back into the flames for your mother and a six pack of beer?

“Working with half a dozen different pencilers” - and whose fault is that Shooter? Was it really that impossible for you to pick just one penciler and stick with him? Vosburg, McDonnell, Kupperburg, Perlin, Bright, and Simons all worked on the book. You really saying there wasn't one of that lot who wouldn't have taken on a full-time gig?

“However something didn't click. Somehow the creative crew, including the editor Tom DeFalco and the big boss editor, me, couldn't find the handle, couldn't isolate the unique angle of approach that would make Team America come alive”. How about a book about motorcycle racers getting into wild hi-jinxs on an international racing circuit? That could have been a good handle, Shooter. Yep, that could have been a unique angle, indeed...

The Bullpen Bulletin interview between Colletta and Shooter gives us some interesting tid-bits.
Vince: I never had a day without work... and I never had to ask for a single one of those jobs.
[Which lends weight to my theory that one of the required talents to be a comic book editor is to have survived having been dropped on your head as a baby.]

Shooter: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a Mafia Boss? [In a moment of bravery, despite his family still being held hostage...]
Vince: Back when Stan Lee was doing your job... He thought I looked like a gangster. He didn't want me to scare the kids. [How about not showing the kids your inks, huh? Give 'em a night without waking up screaming in a cold sweat, huh?]

Vince: There have been times when I've tried to give editors jobs back. I told them, “these pencils are beautiful. Get someone better to ink them!” But, they always insisted that I do them.
[Which is a refreshing breeze of honesty from Colletta. And makes these editors out to be evilest men in history. Hydra-evil!]

And that's not just Team America #12, but Team America the series. A book that started with a great concept, which then got immediately ignored. Characters who started off as blank stereotypes, and when they were given personalities it turned out they were complete dicks. The terrific wacky international racing circuit that they never participated much in and won even less. Honcho's frolics. Wolf's sad sorry existence. The general lack of requirement for Marauder to ever have been created.

It was a series of so much wonderful possibility given to creative folk that had little to no interest in being creative that particular month. But amongst all the ribbons stretched across racing track finishing lines and other train wreck aspects, Team America shines out as an amazing time capsule of 80s brilliance. Somewhere in there is everything both good and bad about 80s comicdom. Renowned as being dreadful, it has it's own unique charms that make it one of the greatest comic books in existence! Farewell, Team America – may the road run smoothly beneath your scoots.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #11

Team America #11
Cover date April 1983

It's taken them eleven issues and many misfires, but they've finally done it. With issue #11 we're finally given a Team America comic that looks both nifty and is fun to read. Unlike previous issues, especially that last one, this story couldn't be told with any other characters. It's a genuine Team America story. And it's pretty good! Shame it's only got one more issue before cancellation.

The cover shows us they've gone the guest star approach again. Which is a bit of a groan. However this time it's Ghost Rider, so at least they're keeping on theme. The blurb claims, 'At last! The most requested cycle battle of all!' Which seems to gloss over that this is also the very first cycle battle of the series. I don't think Cowboy's run around with some silly looking remote controlled faux Roman chariots really count. It might have been more honest if they had said, 'At last! A cycle battle!'

What's even more impressive is Marauder's motorbike on the cover actually looks like a motorbike. I know that shouldn't be note worthy when discussing a series about motorcyclists but sadly it's never seemed to be an editorial edict of this book that the bikes should ever be rendered either attractively or well. It's a good cover, that lets you know this is going to be an action issue.

The first page is of Wolf, tearing across the finish during an Unlimited Class Racing time trial in Oklahoma. What's nice about this is the artist has done away with the stretched out ribbon across the finish line and instead given us a fellow with a checkered flag. Though maybe the bloke really shouldn't be standing in the middle of the track.

The bike looks damn fine and quite sexy here, in fact all the bikes are rendered in a really sexy manner throughout this book. And that's because the artist inside is the same as the cover artist, Dave Simons (he who did those nice bikes back in a previous issue's Honcho's Riding Tips page). Simons art is a little rough in the line and lumpy in the composition in places, but it's filled with energy and life. He seems to be the first artist on this book to realise that if one of the only unique elements to Team America is it's motorbike racing, then you've simply got to make that look and feel as important as anyone of the main characters. He succeeds.

What's even more remarkable, is this issue is absent the inking efforts of Vince Colletta. And I don't believe it's mere coincidence that this is the first issue the book visually shines. Shooter is plotting again, with DeFalco on scripts. Shooter re-treads many elements from the first issue story, even the sillier ones. But this time he seems to get them right.

The story kicks off with a bit of dissent in the ranks (again). Wolf bragging about himself. Reddy being jealous. Honcho just getting upset that everyone just can't get along. And Wrench fuming that his girlfriend keeps finding reasons to rub herself on Cowboy.

Wolf heads off into town to celebrate his top pole position in the next day's race by himself. Y'know because Wolf is a loner. And because he's such a tough loner he decides to go to the circus, (where Ghost Rider's alter ego Johnny Blaze is performing). But first, because he's a loner, he decides he needs some company. So pulling up on his bike next to a car containing an aged couple and what looks, by the art, to be their much younger than nineteen year old daughter, he revs his engine and leers suggestively at the young girl. As the traffic lights go green, Wolf guns away with the young girl, Mary-Michelle, on the seat behind him. She's thinking, “I've never done anything remotely like this before! I don't know how I'll ever be able to face my parents again!” Asking Wolf where he's taking her, Mary-Michelle gets the reply, “To the carnival... after a while!”

When next we seem them a caption tells us it's been several hours. They're at the carnival watching Blaze's motorcycle stunt show and Mary-Michelle is dishevelled. Clothes askew, hair a mess and hanging off Wolf's arm adoringly. To all of that I can only say, oh my god! This is a Team America book? Where was this kind of strong characterising and sense of humour in the previous ten issues? If Shooter hadn't waited till this series was about to be cancelled and nobody was watching, before being adventurous with the stories, and using strong art, they might have had a hit on their hands. What a waste of a great comic book concept.

At the circus the rest of the team show up. Honcho gets immediately angry with Wolf that he has a slutty girl with him. “We're only guests in this town, Wolf! It isn't wise to get involved with the local chippies!” Wolf, wisely tells Honcho to take his disapproval (and dislike of women) and cram it.

However, maybe Honcho's warnings should have been heeded, as Mary-Michelle's parents turn out to be part-time Hydra agents. And they're spying on the team right there and then, and the father's not happy. Well would you be? It's Wolf after all! In the first of a few funny little insights, we learn what being a part-time Hydra agent entails. Mostly just monitoring government transmissions and smuggling the occasional bit of weaponary. But it earns some spending cash and you get good medical insurance benefits!

The upset Hydra parents pass along their info to the main base. Where we meet Madame Regional Director Elsie, and underling Hydra Agent Halston. Director Elsie is bringing Agent Halston up to speed on Team America, using a handy wall sized data bank she keeps hidden behind a sliding panel. On the screen is the entire team, including Georgianna for the first time. So we discover her full name, Georgianna Sue Castleberry. Which is interesting, as I wouldn't have believed they could top anything stupider than 'Georgianna'. Wolf's real name is still unknown. Which makes me think that Hydra hasn't thought to investigate just what name he's getting his prize money cheques made out to. More importantly, Director Elsie informs us that she's pretty sure she knows who Marauder really is. Which suggests she read the Team America letters pages when they were still being published.

In a continuation of the getting to know the softer, warmer side of Hydra, we discover that Director Elsie doesn't believe working for Hydra is any worse than working for an oil company. She makes $250,000 a year and supports her partially disabled hubby and two kids in comfort. You really begin to start liking this hard working Hydra lady, when the bald Supreme Hydra Commander appears on screen and says, “We have already wasted enough man-power and time on Team America! See that they are eliminated visibly and spectacularly! Hail Hydra!” Which might be a direct quote from Marvel's accountants when they saw the sales figures for this book. Though they probably left of the 'Hail Hydra!' bit... probably. So Director Elsie decides to get rid of Team America, “In my own fashion!” So you just know it's going to be extra Hydra-evil.

Back at the circus, the team meet up with Johnny Blaze and his off-sider Red. Who come to the conclusion that Team America are punks and creeps who are too full of themselves. Which they are! But admitting it within their own comic actually makes them more interesting characters. Once again, it's a shame they waited so long to bring the interesting ideas to the table. Honcho hits on Blaze and asks him to a party the next night, and Blaze feels the Ghost Rider demon within himself joining in the hating of Team America.

As the team heads off, Wolf tells the dishevelled Mary-Michelle to go away. Her reply is, “I know I'll never see you again Wolf... but that really doesn't matter! You've already opened my eyes (her eyes??) so much in such a short time! I'll do whatever you think is best!” Wolf's only response to this young girl finding the beauty of her inner-slut, is to grunt and walk away. This issue has Shooter seemingly going out of his way to make sure you can't like any of these characters. It's a strong choice to make and it works. It breaks them out of their vanilla wrappers and gives them a different dimension that at least entertains.

We then segue to late evening. It's dark around the motel Team America is lodging in, and Marauder is sneaking through the night (sorry, I mean 'stalks the night!') towards the team's campervan. He then opens a secret compartment in the van and pulls out his super black racing bike. Which really is a bit of a 'what the hell?' moment. I mean it's a campervan for god's sakes! Does anyone, would anyone, believe it possible to hide an entire motorcycle inside the same campervan as six other people were sleeping and living in? Nobody ever said, “Hey what's this giant motorcycle sized lump in the wall that's taking up a third of the available space back here?” This has to go down with the other great Marvel superhero conceits, such as Iron Man being able to fold his armour into a slim-line attaché case, and Captain America being able to hide his shield by strapping it to his back and wearing a sports coat over it.

Anyway, ignoring where Marauder was hiding his bike, he rides it out of town and into the desert. Where he's confronted by Ghost Rider, the demon biker with a flaming skull for a head. Before they can fight, however, Johnny Blaze reasserts his control and transforms back from being Ghost Rider. Telling Marauder to run away while he's able. Which he does.

Not a very spectacular meeting. Much like the Iron Man appearance. Luckily there's a bigger confrontation than this coming up in the last few pages. Which leaves me wondering why they chose to burn three pages on this non-event. Surely those pages could have been put to better use?

All of which gets us to the day of the big race. In this leg of Unlimited Class Racing we learn the outline for this race is a hundred laps in which the vehicles aren't restricted in engine size, power or levels in technology. Which would make for a wildly uneven field, a winner that was obvious from mechanical specs alone and probably a very dull race to watch. But let's be excited by it anyway. The comic characters are. Including Johnny Blaze who has come along to watch.

And wouldn't you know it, on lap ninety-six, the Ghost Rider bursts forth from Johnny and hits the track. Blowing up competitors bikes while screaming for the Marauder. Who finally makes an appearance. And while Team America continues to race, the Marauder and Ghost Rider battle it out. Finally ramming their bikes together at 350 miles per hour. Causing an explosion big enough to send a fireball shooting up into the sky.

During the confusion Team America wins the race. Woo! That's two Unlimited Class Races out of five they've won. Which was pretty much Penelope Pittstop's track average on Wacky Races, if I recall (though she didn't need a demonic biker blowing-up the competition to help get the win). With all the excitement on the track, the hundreds of Hydra agents secreted into the crowd wearing their green and yellow trimmed uniforms, burst forth with a rousing chant of “Hail Hydra”, “Death to Team America” and “Destroy the enemies of Hydra!”, which, if I'm not mistaken, is just about everybody.

Also in the crowd is Mary-Michelle's parents. They've been calling in air strikes. Mother wants to leave, but dad has other ideas and pulls a sawn-off shotgun out of his jacket and goes looking for Wolf. Which seems a little unnecessary, as the next page shows us the Hydra-evil attack taking place. And like the same plot from the first issue, it's way over the top. Along with the hundred soldiers on the ground is twenty jet-pack clad troopers, two helicopter gun ships, three aircraft fighters and three giant tanks. Sadly though, no blimps in sight. Which makes this attack still very Hydra-evil, but with no blimps isn't really Hydra-evil enough for my tastes.

Two pages follow showing the carnage on the ground as Team America fight off Hydra agents and Ghost Rider and Marauder continue exchanging blows (apparently they survived the big explosion). Shotgun wielding dad draws a bead on Wolf's back, but just as he pulls the trigger Marauder knocks him down. Allowing Ghost Rider to wallop him into unconsciousness. Seeing that Marauder only dropped his guard to save another pisses ol' Ghost Rider off no end. Who then expends his frustrations on the remaining Hydra forces. Pushing them into a full retreat.

Hydra Regional Director Elsie sees all this on her television and knows that she'll have to pay the price of death for failing to be a successful amoral, murderess Hydra agent. In a quiet panel she calls her family with a resigned look upon her face to tell them she'll never be coming home again. They do a good job of conveying the resolute misery of this little scene, and manage to elicit some sympathy for villainous Elsie.

Back at the track, things have settled down and the entire Team America confronts the prone Marauder. Who, in silhouette, unmasks himself to cries of “No! It can't be you! Not you!” However we're going going to have to wait till next issue to find out what they've seen.

The next issue blurb promises, not only the secret origin of the Marauder but the end of Team America as well! And after this very good issue I actually find myself looking forward to the final issue with regret. If they maintain the inspiration and creativity of this issue onto the next, it's going to be a sad farewell. Oh, who am I kidding? Of course they're not going to be able to do two good issues in a row. This story was a fluke. It'll be back to crap next issue and good riddance to them!

YEAH... HEY-!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #10

Team America #10
Cover date March 1983

The cover has all five team members riding straight at the reader in a V-wing. Either out of a fog bank or clouds of their own exhaust fumes. It's unclear. Above them is the spectral head of Marauder. With all their faces fully masked they take on a cold inhumane quality. Almost menacing, even in their bright red, white and blue garb. The cover art doesn't give any sense of the story inside, and as we open the book up we quickly discover that was a wise choice.

After just two issues of building a new theme and feel for this book, issue #10 is a fill-in story. Gone is the Cowboy/Georgianna, team dynamics and racing subplots. Gone as well is Shooter on plotting duties, which is a shame as he's got a good sense of what this book could be. Steven Grant is marked down as scripter which would suggest it was editor Tom DeFalco who plotted this slight bit of storytelling. Alan Kupperberg is back as penciller but mainstay Colletta continues the inking chores. There just seems to be no shaking the man loose from this book.

This thrilling chapter opens up with a scene of Las Vegas and a hippie posting a letter to Jim McDonald aka Honcho. You know he's a hippie because his hair's a bit shaggy and he's wearing a purple T-shirt. No sooner has he mailed his letter than he's confronted by a group of more hippies, lead by Minister Ashe. A balding man with an evil looking beard, in a fringed Daniel Boone style jerkin. With intimidation Ashe discovers who the letters going to. Then blows a cloud of dust onto the fellow which dissolves him into a pile of more dust. After killing the guy in the street, Ashe takes his hippie followers away. Why? Because, as he says, “We can't retrieve that letter now without drawing needless attention to ourselves!” Personally I would of thought that after turning a guy into a pile of dust, busting open a mail box wasn't really that much of an attention grabbing thing.

Team America are in Las Vegas for time trials of a three-wheeled bike race. I don't know if it's an Unlimited Class Race or what, because after three panels we never see or hear of it again. Once again the idea that this is a book about a team which races is ignored in favour of a useless one-shot villain of the moment story.

The team go off to gamble. Honcho wins and Cowboy is a loser. On returning to their hotel the concierge attempts to give Honcho a letter that's arrived for him, but Honcho doesn't notice. Doesn't say much for his spy skills if he can't notice a man yelling his name across a hotel lobby. Upon returning to his room Honcho finds a hippie ransacking it, for the letter. When discovered the hippie throws himself out the window and turns himself into a pile of dust.

Upon investigation on the street, Ashe and his youthful hippie cult kidnap Honcho. When he wakes up he's stripped to the waist and is stuck in wooden stocks. Then is almost eviscerated by a drugged out large breasted girl wearing just her underwear (an ironic end for Honcho!). He's saved by Ashe who wants to question him about the letter. Honcho knows nothing but we learn that the man who posted it was an old CIA colleague of Honcho's who hated him. And Ashe is a former chemist who discovered the deadly dust and decided to amass a pseudo religious murderous cult around himself.

The story then unfolds with the rest of the team (but no Wrench or Georgianna) battling their way into the cultist compound to free Honcho (but not on their bikes, or even their uniforms). Getting trapped in giant glass tubes and finally breaking themselves out. It's so immensely standard fair that theirs nothing of note in it at all. Though Ashe threatening Honcho by killing a hamster in front of him is kinda funny.

Team America is chased away by the cultists hippies and Ashe tries to destroy Las Vegas with his deadly dust in a plane but has his plans defeated by Marauder. Though Ashe does escape. The next day as the team return to their hotel. Honcho finally gets the letter that started this whole adventure when they're confronted by Ashe and his remaining hippies. Grabbing the envelope, Ashe declares that, “No one can tie my cult to its illegal activities without this letter” and tears it in half. Oh no! What a twist. Has the villain actually won? Nope. Because there's another twist on the way. The letter is filled with deadly dust and promptly kills Ashe dead! It turns out that the undercover CIA agent was trying to kill Honcho all along! Which raises the questions, do the CIA really investigate cults? And just what was Honcho's former relationship with the agent that he pissed him off so badly that he tried to kill him years later? None of this is addressed, and we'll never find out. Mostly we can be glad that the story just ends here.

No letters page or additional material again. And it's beginning to feel as if this book has been given up on by it's creators. No regular writers or pencilers. And with fill-in issues like this they're just marking time till the inevitable cancellation. Which is only two more issues away.

FEAR THE HAMSTER, HONCHO.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #9

Team America #9
Cover date February 1983

Sales figures for the series must of come in, because with this issue Marvel pulls out the old sales boosting gimmick – the more famous guest star! So who do you think they picked to be squaring off with the Marauder on the cover? Ghost Rider, the motorcycle riding demon of justice? No. Captain America, who shares half his name with the team and in whose book Team America made their first showing? No. They picked the golden avenger, Iron Man! It might seem an odd match-up initially but when you think about it, Iron Man had a good selling book at the time, and he was a bit mechanically focused like Team America as well. It sort of made a thematic sense.

The cover has our team rendered small, and standing around the carcass off a dismantled motorbike, writhing in an impotent rage. Even Cowboy is twirling his lasso with anger. While Iron Man and Marauder, drawn as giants, battle it out above the team unnoticed, against a backdrop of the American flag.

It's a good analogy for the story within. The team is once again pulled apart and they're useless in comprehending the forces that swirl about them. After five issues of solo stories, previous to last issue, depicting the team members as strong and capable individuals, once again this story focusses on how ineffectual they are as a group. While I'm sure the editorial thinking was the old Marvel trope of super hero/team with problems, by this point they're just coming across as incompetent and kind of embarrassingly useless. And that's a tough act to build a fan base around.

The story opens with Wrench, Georgianna, Cowboy and Honcho relaxing outside the Team America mobile home wagon. Which is parked in an abandoned lot in Brooklyn. Plot is still being churned out by Shooter with Mantlo scripting. This issue brings us pencilling by Mark Bright. An up and coming penciler at Marvel at the time, with this being his fourth assignment for them. His work's stiff but even Colletta's inks can't hide the enthusiasm he displays in this youthful effort. Especially in the dense backgrounds. Colletta was famed for eliminating background detail, so Bright must of filled in a lot of detail for all of it not to be ignored. Either that or Colletta farmed all the backgrounds off to one of his mystery assistants.

By the second page we find out with what our team of heroes are busying their time. Wrench is sticking a screwdriver into a toaster (unplugged), Reddy who wasn't drawn in the opening page is reclined on a garden chair balancing bottles on a stick, looking a little like the way the Human Torch was always drawn in backgrounds. Georgianna is doing sit-ups in the middle of the group. But Bright has really tried to give each one of these guys something individual to do. Honcho is sitting at a card table doing paperwork, and Cowboy seems to have given up his guitar for a banjo. To which I say, cool! A banjo is a way more interesting prop than the clichéd guitar.

The story progresses with Wolf turning up with the last of the team's bikes broken and a bag of take-away tacos. Bright, though new to the series seems to have picked up on Honcho's personal preferences and shows him having an awkward time eating a taco. “Hmm, good!” he says out loud in a desperate display of over compensation. The team is broke, and can't afford to build Wrench's latest goofy looking vehicle for the next Unlimited Class Race for goofy looking stupid things. Tempers are getting frayed and the redhead Reddy is deriding Wolf as a “macho wetback”. Wolf actually figures out that this is a pretty nasty insult, which is a touch surprising, and retorts with a vindictive, “pelirrojo!” Which is Spanish for 'redhead'... Wolf is kinda pathetic.

Once again the team looks like it's breaking up. They each voice their reasons for being there. Reddy, pay back his dad. Cowboy, to win. Wrench, “to prove that American technology is the best in the world!” (So he really should think about not building engines that keep blowing-up). Honcho, to use the team as a front for his “espionage activities”, however since he's only left the USA once, just what is this 'espionage' he's performing? He continues with, “But I've recently had to choose between the two... and I chose Team America!” Which just goes to show that you can't trust a spy. As last time he had the choice he left the team in the lurch to run off to be Secret Squirrel, and only returned once it turned out he was a crap spy and got beat-up.

Wolf actually shows the greatest sense of the lot and declines to enter into the conversation. So Georgianna leaps up and points out that Wolf's there because he's a loner that needs a family. Poor little wussy Wolfie, the little loner that just wants to be loved.

Despite their group hug, they still haven't any bikes to ride so all go to bed in the camper van. Then as night falls comes the Marauder. Who goes on a midnight bike tour of a completely deserted New York. Climbs the Brooklyn bridge and looks out heroicly at an awkwardly and lumpy drawn Manhattan and Statue of Liberty. Cut to the interior of the Team America camper van, which appears to be about 18 feet wide (how does it fit in traffic?). From this shot we learn that Honcho still prefers to be on the top bunk. Wolf still sleeps with his headband on, as if he's deathly afraid of letting blood make it's way up to his brain. Wrench and Georgianna never have sex as they sleep together in full view of the others. And Cowboy likes to sleep face down with his bum straight-up in the air. That one panel is probably more revealing of the characters than the whole, 'wearing their heart on their sleeves' scene.

PARTY TIME. TEAM AMERICA STYLE.

In the morning they discover Marauder's bike. The solution to their problems. They're all so happy that Georgianna rubs herself on Cowboy, and Wolf and Reddy do a go-go dance. Happiness prevails with the acquisition of the superbike. Soon they're winning all sorts of dirt bike motorcross events with the suped-up street chopper. And Bright makes the same bizarre mistake of stretching a ribbon across a finishing line of a motorbike race like an earlier issue. That's just plain lethal.

In no time they're cashed-up, have a warehouse headquarters, and have started building Wrench's new dumb looking vehicle. Reddy has a car of four easy-going women and invites Honcho along, but he's not interested (shock!). Honcho suggests to Wrench that he take Georgianna out to a show, (not everyone likes broadway musicals, Honcho!) But Georgianna has run off with Cowboy and that breaks Wrench's heart. Honcho feels sorry for Wrench and thinks, “It's no wonder Georgianna's felt neglected. Still I can't picture Cowboy cheating on him”. (Honcho, Wrench and Cowboy aren't together...) Subtext much?

Days later they're all at the latest international location of Unlimited Class Racing. This time it's hosted in Pennsylvania – apparently the globe-trotting aspect of this series is finished with after just one trip abroad. I guess all that photo reference they didn't use for the trip to Egypt broke the creative bank. Bright rather slyly doodles the Speed Racer team in the background, which is a nice touch. Wrench's example of America's ability to build the best technology is an unequalled success during the time trials. Till the engine blows-up. Again. Team America have lost yet another race. That's three races they've lost out of four. Wrench is giving American technology a bad name. Now they're out of the race and broke again. Nice one, Wrench, ya' putz.

Salvation comes in the form of Stark International, home of Iron Man. The Stark representative wants to buy Team America, and they're in the exact same position that Cowboy sleeps in, so say yes. The next day they're at Stark International gates. Georgianna isn't admitted, and Wrench is lead off separately. While the others are put through a professional racing school. Which doesn't impress Wolf. 'El Lobo does not express his reaction to the class in words... but in actions', the caption reads. The action in this instance is cracking peanuts. Oooh, peanuts! Better watch out, Wolf's on the warpath. What would he do if he was really incensed? Shell walnuts? He goes on to the simulators and can't keep from crashing, due to the fact he's not very good. So in typical Wolf fashion he tries to strangle the teacher. Wolf's a dick.

Meanwhile, Wrench is being given a tour of the R&D workshops, invents a new braking system in passing, and discovers that they've claimed Marauder's bike as their own and are stripping it down. Wrench flips out and is shown the door. Only to find the rest of the team have been kicked out as well. Now they're broke again but this time without the super bike. Team America are hapless.

That night at Stark International, Marauder breaks in to the facility to steal his bike back and sets off some alarms. I guess he's a little off his game as well. Iron Man swoops in, catching him in the act. So here it comes, the classic hero meeting hero so they have to fight. A big skirmish between Marauder and Iron Man. A slugfest of legendary proportions. Except, it doesn't happen. Instead Iron Man immediately realises Marauder's there for his own property, so gives him a hearty wave goodbye. Which actually makes this the most astounding meeting of two heroes ever written. Despite it's anti-climactic nature, I fully applaud this. Though I can't imagine it was the sales boosting gimmick that they were hoping for when they thought of it.

The next day the team return to Stark International and confront Tony Stark himself (Iron Man's secret identity). He's a nice guy, so apologises for their shabby treatment and gives them cheques to make up for wasting their time. Plus a hundred thousand dollars to Wrench, for the new breaking system he invented. And the team are cashed-up and back on the road again, heading towards their next great adventure.

Like last issue there isn't any letter column or Honcho's racing tip pages. Which is a shame. But the book is beginning to find it's feet under Shooter's plotting. As the story of a squabbling band of rag-tag, unlucky motorheads, doing their best to get by and stay together. But at issue #9 I'm wondering if maybe it's a bit too little too late.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #8

Team America #8
Cover date January 1983

It's the first issue since #2 that this book has gone back to it's team structure since starting their solo story spotlighting. And the cover tries to reflect this with multiple image panels, each with it's own action and blurb. All set around a RPM dial burying the needle into the red. Exciting! Well it should be, anyway. Instead it just looks messy. Maybe if Hannigan and Simons did a smoother job on the art it would work. It looks a little rushed.

Each cover image is from a part of the story. Cowboy is hugging Georgianna. Romance! Screams the blurb. A crudely drawn car is crashing. Adventure! Honcho is getting clubbed on the head in front of a belly dancer. Intrigue! Wolf is getting attacked with a tire. Action! And the promise that, 'Truly, this issue has it all!!' Two exclamation marks. Let's see if they can live up to such bold promises.

To begin with the promise of the previous issue that Shooter would return to scripting hasn't panned out. Instead he's taken over plotting and bumped Mantlo down to scripting duty. One of the benefits of being Editor-in-Chief, I guess. The pencilling has been given to Don Perlin. Luckily Colletta remains to keep a consistent patina of dreadfulness to the look of this book.

The opening splash is interesting. Big title and close-up of a tense Wolf. It's clearly been inspired by Frank Miller's work of the same time. It's effective and works. The story takes Team America to Eygpt. Which is kinda remarkable just for the fact that after seven issues the book finally realises that if you're going to put your characters on to an international race circuit, it's good to actually, y'know, send them to other countries on occasion.

Right off the second page the multiple plots start up. Georgianna's feeling ignored by Wrench, because Wrench is in fact ignoring her. Oh, and they're not married, by the way. This issue finally reveals their relationship status, which is boyfriend and girlfriend. Honcho stops to help a strange man with his bags and gets a secret spy message to help the CIA stop arms smugglers. So runs off from the team to do his Secret Squirrel routine.

Wolf gets seduced by the raven haired Ditko-esque stlye beauty heading up the opposing team and Reddy thinks that means Wolf's going to throw the race. Their seduction is something close to Shakespeare in it's beautiful use of words and meaning. To wit:
Monique: You intrigue me, Mister... Wolf. I like my men strong and silent. You drive well, I would guess.
Wolf: I do everything well! I am El Lobo!

Georgianna and Cowboy start cosying up together, leaving Wrench alone with his machines. So basically the whole theme of this story is fractures showing in the team, threatening to break them apart. That theme is nicely reflected in the multiple panel design of the cover, which gives it a stronger concept.

On this leg of the Unlimited Class Racing circuit, 'Where the rules are few and the stakes are high!', the contest is a one driver race in badly conceptualised supposedly futuristic looking dune buggies. So while they've managed to get the books focus back on the concept of team (though that story is of the team breaking down), the motorcycle hook is still missing in action.

And man, are these futro-buggies dumb looking. It's like they've asked a six year old to design them, then asked the kid to have another go at it, but this time to try not to do such a good job. In case I'm not getting the point across – the designs for these vehicles are bad. One of them has five wheels, for crying out loud. Wolf's new girlfriend and insane buggy competitor, Monique's car has only three wheels... and is pink and purple.

During the time trials, Wolf discovers that the car beating him is driven by Monique, which both outrages him because he's a sexist and also means that for a professional racer he doesn't pay any attention to who is driving against him, which is both odd as well as... well, odd. Anyway, Wolf is so angered by the insult of being beaten by a woman, he over-heats his engine and crashes his stupid looking buggy. And I mean really crashes it. He knocks all the wheels off and folds it in half. It's gone. It's toast. It looks like an old sponge and the race is the very next day! Luckily, Wrench is fairly certain it can be fixed-up in time.

A fight between the team quickly breaks out in anger at Wolf's crashing. Only to be broken-up by the Yoko of the group, Georgianna. Then she gets pissed at Wrench and runs off with Cowboy, because Wrench has to fix the car for the next day instead of going on a date with her. A lot of the dialogue between these two is well done. Some parts even come close to being mature. Which is due to the very good abilities of Bill Mantlo. He knows how to differentiate characters via their speech. And not just with catch phrases.

We cut back for half a page to Honcho's spy capers. He goes to a belly dancing club, ignores the half-naked ladies, naturally enough, then gets beat up by the arms smugglers. Honcho's kinda crap.

The next day Wrench presents the fixed-up car to the team. Monique comes by to mock them, and tell Wolf that she's the driver of the car that beat him. For some reason Wolf has forgotten he already knew this and gets outraged again. “There's a word for her kind in my tongue!” I'm guessing it's El Bitcho. Wolf's an overly sensitive sexist idiot.

Then the race is on in all the silly Wacky Race vehicles. Soon it comes down to just Wolf and Monique. “One on one. A true test of man against woman!”, thinks the sexist El Piggo. The race is very tense (no it isn't), then Wolf blows his engine again and limps off the track. An example for Wolf's ability to perform as a man when he's up against a women? The caption box says, 'There are no words for his humiliation'. Oh, I don't know about that. The words 'Ha-Ha, sucks to be you, yabooface!' would seem to cover it, for me. I'm not sure it's good writing to have the reader finding satisfaction in one of the books heroes being beaten.

Once again though, I think it's a bold move to have Team America not win a race. In this one they didn't even finish. In eight issues they've only had three Unlimited Class races, and only won one. Team America isn't coming across as very... um, good.

Back at the pits, the team commiserates with each other as a roughed-up Honcho rejoins them. “I had something to do. I blew it”. I suppose the rest of team have a pretty good idea about Honcho's 'night-life' by now, so don't question him further. Monique then turns up to gloat and tell Honcho that she was the arms smuggler and his getting his arse handed to him has set her smuggling operations back about a week. Which makes me go, “What the hell??” Was that threading of two plot lines really necessary? But Monique's bragging re-unites the team to bond together again. But it ends with Cowboy and Georgianna embracing with the enthusiasm of the moment. Leaving Wrench an unhappy camper and the caption box promising more racing chills and thrills next issue.

I'm not really sure they managed any 'chills' this time around. But it was definitely good to see the book back on track with it revolving the story around the great Unlimited Class Racing. Even with the team fracturing plot, the books a better read for having them all together again. Plus we learnt that Wolf wears his headband when he sleeps. Touches like that are what makes this book gold. And did you notice something unique to this Team America story? Something that was only noticeable by it's absence? Yep, the mysterious Marauder didn't make a single appearance. It didn't hurt the book either. In fact I think losing that fantasy, super hero element improved the tone of the book. Took it further into the Speed Racer, Johnny Quest and I Spy genre. This made it a stronger read, more character driven and by result more enjoyable. So it absolutely will never happen again, I'm sure.

BEWARE THE LUGGAGE!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #7

Team America #7
Cover date December 1982

Never thought I'd say this about a Team America comic, but this is a really great cover. It's stylish, creative, well drawn, nice composition and very well coloured. It's so good that it leaves me wondering if it's a homage to some other illustration I'm not aware of.

Drawn by Hannigan and Milgrom, it depicts hat waving, broadly smiling Cowboy on his leaping bike, in front of line art of internal panels from the story. His shadow is of him riding a bucking horse. It's very evocative and were this a better regarded series, I've no doubt this would be a highly praised and iconic cover. It's a great design.

The splash page is pretty good as well. Cowboy leaping from his bike to the back of a bull. All to the amazement of hundreds of fans in the stadium crowd. The art looks better than it has in awhile and that's due to Luke McDonnell's return to the book. And on this splash page, at least, Colletta doesn't completely massacre the art. Though that can't be said for the rest of the book.

With a title of 'The Emperor Of Texas', the star of this solo story being Cowboy, and after that great cover, I find myself hoping that Mantlo will embrace the obvious and give us a western adventure. Sadly instead he gives us a story that would probably sit better in a Gold Key Star Trek licensed comic.

Team America are performing an exhibition in Texas (which means they've not been involved in the Unlimited Class Racing circuit since issue #2), when an old flame of Cowboys, called PJ, is kidnapped. And kidnapped rather spectacularly. Her car suddenly flies away with her up into the air!

Since she was a senators daughter, her father chooses to blame Cowboy and the rest of Team America for her disappearance (there really isn't much of a sensible explanation for this plot contrivance). The father urges the sheriff to arrest them and advance the plot, the lawman instead houses the team in the senator's own bunkhouse while things can be sorted out. Honcho must of rushed into the bunkhouse, as while the rest of the team are still gathered around the door, he's already chosen a top bunk and is stretched out upon it. Wrench is all for busting out, but the consensus is to wait to sort it all out. So as the team fall asleep, the Marauder appears and proceeds to track the missing car with PJ in it, via his eerie motorcyclist powers.

Come morning Cowboy sneaks out and hits the road in search for PJ. Following the tracks left by Marauder, he's joined by the sheriff who along the trail professes his own love for PJ. And don't you just hate it when you're travelling with someone and they blurt out something really personal, then the rest of the trip is just awkward? They eventually come to a large cliff, and are soon pulled up to the top by some sort of tractor beam.

Atop the cliff they find themselves in a lavish Roman style temple. And meet their host, Tony Rome, famous auto designer. He's been using his personally designed cars to kidnap the children of influential Texas people to hold as hostage to stop them from interfering with his grand scheme.

And his is a grand scheme indeed! He's going to turn Texas into a recreation of the Roman empire with himself as Emperor, or he'll nuke it. Yeah, that makes sense. The sheriff is released from captivity to return to the world with the Emperor's demands. While Cowboy is kept captive to challenge the Emperor in a race. Cowboy's motorbike against robotised chariots. What follows is far from Ben Hur.

Meanwhile the sheriff has done the only logical thing and ordered an airstrike on the mad Emperor. Can sheriffs order airstrikes? Maybe they can in Texas. With ten minutes before the place is raised to the ground, the sheriff, Team America and their bikes, parachute in to free the hostages. He's cutting it fairly close.

Back in the arena Cowboy uses the challenge to free the hostages and get knocked-out, like all good little Team America members do. Which means it's time for the Marauder to make the scene! Arriving just in time to stop the Emperor from launching his nuke and destroys his temple in the process. The Emperor feels the full weight of his Texas sized plans for domination crashing down when he's fatally whumped by a chunk of falling marble. The newly awake Cowboy digs him out for this exchange:
Emperor: “Why did you interfere?”
Cowboy: “I just couldn't let anything happen to PJ! Ain't yuh ever loved someone?”
Emperor: “No... Neverrrrr” And he dies in Cowboy's arms.
A strangely nonsensical death scene.

In the aftermath PJ throws herself at Cowboy, telling him she's been waiting for him to return. And realising that even though he loves her, he isn't prepared to sacrifice his life with Team America. Pretending not to care for her, he drives her into the eager arms of the waiting sheriff, before wistfully riding off into the sunset with his motorcycling companions.

An odd, poorly paced story. But through showing Cowboy's noble sacrifice it achieves its objective of ascribing to Cowboy a personality that was till this point non-existent. I still would of preferred a western tale though.

The real gem of this issue, after the cover, is the 'Honcho's Hints' two page back-up. 'How an engine works!' – which explains with technical diagrams the basics of a combustion engine. Really quite fascinating. And 'Customized bikes!' - in which Honcho urges us to consider that even though all bikes have the same basic structure, it doesn't mean they all have to be the same. Most subtle Honcho subtext yet! The page shows several different bike types evocatively rendered from obvious photo reference. They're so nicely drawn it makes you painfully aware at how poorly the motorcycles in the rest of this series are rendered! The art chores on these two pieces are by Brozowski and Giacoia for the Engine page. And Brozowski and Simons, for the bike designs.

This Cowboy story is the last in the Team America solo character stories. Meaning that the only member of the group that didn't get his own spotlight is the black member, Wrench. Which is a shame, as he is the most human and easily relatable character in the group.

With the end of the solo stories, another pattern shows itself. In each solo story the singled out member of Team America gets involved in adventure via an ex-girlfriend. Wolf's old lover who's brother goes missing. Reddy's ex who gets in trouble while investigating. Cowboy's past flame who gets abducted. All except Honcho... who got pulled into adventure by a man whom he shared a history with. Everyone was given a girlfriend except Honcho. At some point subtext stops being 'sub' and just becomes 'text'.

Next issue box promises the return of Jim Shooter on scripting... there goes any room left for the art!

SWEET SCOOTS!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #6

Team America #6
Cover date November 1982

Continuing the solo stories, this issue gives star spotlight to maybe the weakest character of the team, R.U. Reddy. The knock off Human Torch hothead. Kupperberg continues on the art chores in this issue called 'Dead Water'. The cover continues the same motif of so many previous issues – cycle riding below the spectral head of the issues star. And frankly it's getting a bit dull.

Opening the story we find the Team America performing an exhibition event in Louisiana. A show race. We're told that even though the plan was for all Team America riders to cross the line together, Reddy has such a burning need to win that he breaks from the pack to finish first. Honcho whines a lot about how they were all meant to finish at the same time. Which probably has a gay innuendo in it somewhere, but I don't want to look like I'm picking on Honcho. Especially when there's so much of Reddy in this issue to make fun of.

Kupperberg has an odd idea about the finishing line at motorcycle races, as he stretches a ribbon across the track for Reddy to risk cutting his head off with. So he's either never seen a motorcycle race or he likes Reddy as much as I do. In this instance the ribbon breaks dramatically... but, gee, they may want to replace that with a checkered flag or something. So Reddy wins the trophy – this exhibition event has a trophy.

We also get another factoid about the Unlimited Class Racing rules: 'The rules are few and the stakes are high'. Mantlo's avoidance of using an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence demonstrates amazing reserve!

After the race Reddy heads off solo to his own story on the pretext of visiting an old girlfriend. This time Mantlo has his character, (and by this stage they're definitely becoming his), walk through an old EC horror piece of nature fighting back against man's science. The story and dialogue are so slight in this issue there's hardly anything to recount here, however.

Reddy goes to look for his old girlfriend, Evelyn. But she's become a microbiologist and has gone to investigate a chemical spill by the Sweetwater Chemical Company, situated in the deepest darkest Bayou. Which, according to Kupperberg, is three guys sitting around an old petrol pump getting drunk. But after Reddy asks them a few questions they shake off their shiftlessness to get into a pick-up truck, beer cans still in hand, and try and shoot Reddy with a shotgun. I'm not too familiar with all the red-neck clichés in existence, but I don't think they've missed too many here.

Because Reddy is such a spectacular rider, (and it doesn't hurt that this is his book), he manages to run the red-necks off the road into the river. Aptly named Bayou Le Mort. The slimy green river, replete with comical floating oil drums, immediately rises up and eats the entire truck, including it's beer swilling occupants.

Reddy finally finds Evelyn at an abandoned motel. And hero that he is, quickly gets her dog eaten by the river. Which then chases them to the factory complex of Sweetwater Chemical Company. Where they find a conspiracy between the fatman from the Maltese Falcon, Mr Gutman and a terrorist cartel consisting of middle-eastern types, black power kaftan wearers, a barefoot kung-fu street fighter, Mafioso and apparently the leather-man from the Village People. I suppose these stereotypes, while not making much sense being together, can be viewed as the fears of either the writer or the artist, or possibly both.

The terrorists want to buy Gutman's slime monster to, well, terrorise people I suppose. Evelyn is soon captured and Reddy rescues her only to crash and knock both of them out. The lesson to be taken from that accident is that if your bike goes into a slide, don't throw yourself wildly into a passing wall thinking it will minimize the impact of your crash.

The Marauder takes advantage of Reddy being out of action (and when you think about it, Team America members receive a lot of head injuries. That's gotta have some long lasting effects). The mysterious Marauder beats the terrorists up (in a panel that the sloppy art depicts him as approximately nine feet tall) and re-directs the slime monster to eat the factory, before disappearing. Only Gutman survives and runs out begging the now conscious Reddy and Evelyn to take him on their bike, when, “I... I tripped over the control cables!!!” he yells as he falls into his own slime monster. That's classic irony, right there.

To destroy the slime monster, because you just can't let a living river of slime retire in peace, Reddy drives a oil tanker into it and sets it alight. Which only confuses the environmental message of the story - dumping mysterious chemicals into rivers = bad, dumping petroleum into rivers = good. Then Reddy gives the tanker driver his winners check from the race earlier to pay for the truck. Which goes to show some sort of character arc for Reddy. He use to be casual and extravagant with his fathers money and now he's extravagant with his own. Sure, not much of a character arc. But then again, R.U. Reddy isn't much of a character.

The letter page shows yet another reader positive that the Marauder is some subconscious manifestation of the Team America members. Another reader thinks he's an android. While Al Mejia of Slidell, LA, lies through his retarded, sycophantic teeth and says that he loves the artwork.

Having run out of team members to give pin-up pages to, this issue gives us two pages of 'Honcho's Racing Hints'. An illustrated guide to the top techniques of international professional racers. Along the way he gives us more perspective on Unlimited Class Racing: 'Unlimited Class Racing is the hairiest no-holds barred competition in motor sports! But in any race the bottom line is the same – to win!' Thanks for clearing that confusion up, Honcho!

He then goes on to talk about how good Wolf is at “running right up the middle” of the track to win. And keeps using Reddy as an example of poor racing tactics. An odd editorial choice to make considering the star of this particular issue. But Honcho also comes across as, well, a bit on the bitchy side. He goes on to talk about how to make dirt bike jumps using Cowboy as the example.

These little lessons are strangely interesting, but ultimately silly when you make a supposition of how many Team America readers were likely also to be motorbike owners. However they do add a very odd touch of, and I hesitate to write this, authenticity. At least for younger readers. And that's not such a poor thing. It also reminds the readers of the original concept of this series, motorbike racing, which it seems to have long abandoned. Which is unfortunate as the adventures of the racers travelling an international race circuit could have been fun.

THANKS, HONCHO!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #5

Team America #5
Cover date October 1982

It looks like this team book is continuing the interesting tactic to ignore the concept of team and focusing on another solo story. This time the ultra gay Honcho. In what the cover promises to be a 'spectacular solo adventure!' Just from Honcho's smouldering brown eyes staring out at you from the cover, you know this is going to be a full-throttle ride! Even though pencilling this issue is Alan Kupperburg, an artist that brings out the very worst in Colletta's inks. Shudder! But let's ignore that and get straight into the all gay action of Honcho's story!

'Triple Cross' starts off with Team America, well not really, it's only Honcho, Reddy and Wolf, (Cowboy and Wrench don't even get a cameo in this issue) doing a stunt show. Watched by a mysterious man who thinks about Honcho jealously, “Why would... Honcho... wastes his talents on them... when he is so much more useful to me!”

Cut to a locker room. Wolf is standing around naked while Honcho tells him and Reddy that “I'm doing the town by myself for a change!” Then thinks, “too bad I can't let them know what I'm really up to!” Oh, Honcho! You must feel so isolated. Not even being able to trust your closest friends with your secret. Feel Honcho's pain!

Honcho soon meets up with the mysterious stranger who turns out to be an old CIA friend called, Adrian. Adrian buys Honcho dinner and solicits him to join his new secret spy agency supposedly set up by the president. Honcho accepts as the smoke rings Adrian's been blowing, lower themselves seductively around Honcho's body.

The next day finds Honcho standing on a street corner in his tight white leather jumpsuit. Adrian crawls up to the curb in his car, winds down his window and invites Honcho to join him. He takes him to a parking garage, and just in case there wasn't enough subtext yet, they both go down together... on a platform into a secret ultra tech spy base.

Then follows a montage of Honcho being tested. Big image of Honcho sweating and straining. With an immediate cut to Honcho sitting buck naked on the edge of his bed as Adrian let's himself out of the room, saying, “Good news, Jim! You've still got your edge – and that makes you the best man I have!” No doubt... no doubt...

Honcho decides to do some snooping around the secret base, so dresses in his Team America brightly coloured tunic. He informs us via his thought balloons that he knows that Adrian's spy agency is secretly a crime organisation and Honcho was pressed into service by the FBI to infiltrate the criminal spy ring and bring it down. His FBI contact orders Honcho to do “Whatever he wants you to do!” Let's just say that I think Honcho has already more than followed that order.

Honcho then heads out on his phoney mission. Capturing a plane with a valuable defecting Soviet spy on it. Honcho goes about hi-jacking the plane in the standard manner... running his motorbike up to it as it takes off, then leaping onto the wing before climbing along the fuselage and using his helmet to smash open the cockpit window and slide in. Try and imagine how many laws of physics have to be not just broken but entirely ignored to manage that feat!

Adrian is there as Honcho lands the plane on a secret airstrip. He calls for his FBI contact to swoop in and holds a gun on Adrian and co. till the FBI guy arrives. When the FBI fellow does turn up it's discovered that he's in fact a double agent and doesn't work for the FBI at all! Hence the title of the story 'Triple Cross'... which may make it one of the only Team America stories with a story title that actually makes sense. Also in this scene it becomes painfully obvious that Kupperburg has no idea how to draw a hand gun... or a motorbike for that matter...

Having got Honcho to successfully complete their mission, and now having captured Honcho as well, Adrian and his criminal cohorts do the only thing they can. Namely tie Honcho up to a chair (oh, that saucy Honcho!) in the basement of the underground lair, start flooding the complex and set a bomb to blow up the building... Even Mantlo can't help but have Honcho comment that this death trap is clearly overkill!

As the water rises and threatens to drown him, Honcho struggles at his bonds before passing out. And who should then take that opportunity to appear and apprehend the crooks on his big black bike of justice..? Yep, the mysterious Marauder! He makes short work of them and roars off. Just as Honcho reappears, claiming that he must of freed himself while unconscious via “reflex”! I've no idea exactly how many reflexes a person has while passed out, but I'm guessing the 'free yourself from being tied to a chair' reflex isn't one of them. Just saying is all... Honcho doesn't let the near drowning slow him up. So quickly goes about defusing the time bomb, using what must be a crafty CIA learned technique. Reaching into the device and just ripping handfuls of wires out. Unsubtle, but it appears to work. End of Honcho's homoerotic hi-jinxes where he had to go undercover to lick a spy ring!

It's really not such a bad story. It makes as much sense as any Bond film from the same period anyway. It's interesting seeing what Mantlo was doing with this series. Being lumbered with a book which had no history and characters who were not more than blank slates cut to the shape of a cliché, Mantlo stepped away from writing a team book and started telling individual solo stories. Each one being framed in a different comics genre. Maruder's solo story – classic superhero fair. Wolf's – EC Horror. And Honcho's – spy thriller. Building up each of the characters separately before integrating them back into a team. A bold move, that I don't believe works that well. As it both destroys any momentum the book had built in the first two issues, as well as there being no reason why character building stories couldn't have been told within the context of the team structure.

Two more Marvel Materwork Pin-ups. This time for the Marauder and Wrench. One of Marauders many specialities seems to be leadership. Leadership? I don't get that. The Marauder is more of a loner than life of the party and kid-friendly Wolf. Have we ever seen Marauder lead anything? No, I don't think so.

Wrench's Hydra Classified File gives us the snippet that he's an amazing inventor and a competent rider. But only a 'competent rider' on a team of four other extraordinary riders you understand... make of that what you will.

The letters page has three more writers suggesting that the Marauder is a being created by all of Team America via their strange link. This time the editors suggest that the idea may not be too far off but it's not quite on the money. Another letter writer points out Honcho's uncomfortableness around women and suggests a female character for the team... Ha! Not going to happen in this sausage-fest!