Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #8

Team America #8
Cover date January 1983

It's the first issue since #2 that this book has gone back to it's team structure since starting their solo story spotlighting. And the cover tries to reflect this with multiple image panels, each with it's own action and blurb. All set around a RPM dial burying the needle into the red. Exciting! Well it should be, anyway. Instead it just looks messy. Maybe if Hannigan and Simons did a smoother job on the art it would work. It looks a little rushed.

Each cover image is from a part of the story. Cowboy is hugging Georgianna. Romance! Screams the blurb. A crudely drawn car is crashing. Adventure! Honcho is getting clubbed on the head in front of a belly dancer. Intrigue! Wolf is getting attacked with a tire. Action! And the promise that, 'Truly, this issue has it all!!' Two exclamation marks. Let's see if they can live up to such bold promises.

To begin with the promise of the previous issue that Shooter would return to scripting hasn't panned out. Instead he's taken over plotting and bumped Mantlo down to scripting duty. One of the benefits of being Editor-in-Chief, I guess. The pencilling has been given to Don Perlin. Luckily Colletta remains to keep a consistent patina of dreadfulness to the look of this book.

The opening splash is interesting. Big title and close-up of a tense Wolf. It's clearly been inspired by Frank Miller's work of the same time. It's effective and works. The story takes Team America to Eygpt. Which is kinda remarkable just for the fact that after seven issues the book finally realises that if you're going to put your characters on to an international race circuit, it's good to actually, y'know, send them to other countries on occasion.

Right off the second page the multiple plots start up. Georgianna's feeling ignored by Wrench, because Wrench is in fact ignoring her. Oh, and they're not married, by the way. This issue finally reveals their relationship status, which is boyfriend and girlfriend. Honcho stops to help a strange man with his bags and gets a secret spy message to help the CIA stop arms smugglers. So runs off from the team to do his Secret Squirrel routine.

Wolf gets seduced by the raven haired Ditko-esque stlye beauty heading up the opposing team and Reddy thinks that means Wolf's going to throw the race. Their seduction is something close to Shakespeare in it's beautiful use of words and meaning. To wit:
Monique: You intrigue me, Mister... Wolf. I like my men strong and silent. You drive well, I would guess.
Wolf: I do everything well! I am El Lobo!

Georgianna and Cowboy start cosying up together, leaving Wrench alone with his machines. So basically the whole theme of this story is fractures showing in the team, threatening to break them apart. That theme is nicely reflected in the multiple panel design of the cover, which gives it a stronger concept.

On this leg of the Unlimited Class Racing circuit, 'Where the rules are few and the stakes are high!', the contest is a one driver race in badly conceptualised supposedly futuristic looking dune buggies. So while they've managed to get the books focus back on the concept of team (though that story is of the team breaking down), the motorcycle hook is still missing in action.

And man, are these futro-buggies dumb looking. It's like they've asked a six year old to design them, then asked the kid to have another go at it, but this time to try not to do such a good job. In case I'm not getting the point across – the designs for these vehicles are bad. One of them has five wheels, for crying out loud. Wolf's new girlfriend and insane buggy competitor, Monique's car has only three wheels... and is pink and purple.

During the time trials, Wolf discovers that the car beating him is driven by Monique, which both outrages him because he's a sexist and also means that for a professional racer he doesn't pay any attention to who is driving against him, which is both odd as well as... well, odd. Anyway, Wolf is so angered by the insult of being beaten by a woman, he over-heats his engine and crashes his stupid looking buggy. And I mean really crashes it. He knocks all the wheels off and folds it in half. It's gone. It's toast. It looks like an old sponge and the race is the very next day! Luckily, Wrench is fairly certain it can be fixed-up in time.

A fight between the team quickly breaks out in anger at Wolf's crashing. Only to be broken-up by the Yoko of the group, Georgianna. Then she gets pissed at Wrench and runs off with Cowboy, because Wrench has to fix the car for the next day instead of going on a date with her. A lot of the dialogue between these two is well done. Some parts even come close to being mature. Which is due to the very good abilities of Bill Mantlo. He knows how to differentiate characters via their speech. And not just with catch phrases.

We cut back for half a page to Honcho's spy capers. He goes to a belly dancing club, ignores the half-naked ladies, naturally enough, then gets beat up by the arms smugglers. Honcho's kinda crap.

The next day Wrench presents the fixed-up car to the team. Monique comes by to mock them, and tell Wolf that she's the driver of the car that beat him. For some reason Wolf has forgotten he already knew this and gets outraged again. “There's a word for her kind in my tongue!” I'm guessing it's El Bitcho. Wolf's an overly sensitive sexist idiot.

Then the race is on in all the silly Wacky Race vehicles. Soon it comes down to just Wolf and Monique. “One on one. A true test of man against woman!”, thinks the sexist El Piggo. The race is very tense (no it isn't), then Wolf blows his engine again and limps off the track. An example for Wolf's ability to perform as a man when he's up against a women? The caption box says, 'There are no words for his humiliation'. Oh, I don't know about that. The words 'Ha-Ha, sucks to be you, yabooface!' would seem to cover it, for me. I'm not sure it's good writing to have the reader finding satisfaction in one of the books heroes being beaten.

Once again though, I think it's a bold move to have Team America not win a race. In this one they didn't even finish. In eight issues they've only had three Unlimited Class races, and only won one. Team America isn't coming across as very... um, good.

Back at the pits, the team commiserates with each other as a roughed-up Honcho rejoins them. “I had something to do. I blew it”. I suppose the rest of team have a pretty good idea about Honcho's 'night-life' by now, so don't question him further. Monique then turns up to gloat and tell Honcho that she was the arms smuggler and his getting his arse handed to him has set her smuggling operations back about a week. Which makes me go, “What the hell??” Was that threading of two plot lines really necessary? But Monique's bragging re-unites the team to bond together again. But it ends with Cowboy and Georgianna embracing with the enthusiasm of the moment. Leaving Wrench an unhappy camper and the caption box promising more racing chills and thrills next issue.

I'm not really sure they managed any 'chills' this time around. But it was definitely good to see the book back on track with it revolving the story around the great Unlimited Class Racing. Even with the team fracturing plot, the books a better read for having them all together again. Plus we learnt that Wolf wears his headband when he sleeps. Touches like that are what makes this book gold. And did you notice something unique to this Team America story? Something that was only noticeable by it's absence? Yep, the mysterious Marauder didn't make a single appearance. It didn't hurt the book either. In fact I think losing that fantasy, super hero element improved the tone of the book. Took it further into the Speed Racer, Johnny Quest and I Spy genre. This made it a stronger read, more character driven and by result more enjoyable. So it absolutely will never happen again, I'm sure.

BEWARE THE LUGGAGE!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #7

Team America #7
Cover date December 1982

Never thought I'd say this about a Team America comic, but this is a really great cover. It's stylish, creative, well drawn, nice composition and very well coloured. It's so good that it leaves me wondering if it's a homage to some other illustration I'm not aware of.

Drawn by Hannigan and Milgrom, it depicts hat waving, broadly smiling Cowboy on his leaping bike, in front of line art of internal panels from the story. His shadow is of him riding a bucking horse. It's very evocative and were this a better regarded series, I've no doubt this would be a highly praised and iconic cover. It's a great design.

The splash page is pretty good as well. Cowboy leaping from his bike to the back of a bull. All to the amazement of hundreds of fans in the stadium crowd. The art looks better than it has in awhile and that's due to Luke McDonnell's return to the book. And on this splash page, at least, Colletta doesn't completely massacre the art. Though that can't be said for the rest of the book.

With a title of 'The Emperor Of Texas', the star of this solo story being Cowboy, and after that great cover, I find myself hoping that Mantlo will embrace the obvious and give us a western adventure. Sadly instead he gives us a story that would probably sit better in a Gold Key Star Trek licensed comic.

Team America are performing an exhibition in Texas (which means they've not been involved in the Unlimited Class Racing circuit since issue #2), when an old flame of Cowboys, called PJ, is kidnapped. And kidnapped rather spectacularly. Her car suddenly flies away with her up into the air!

Since she was a senators daughter, her father chooses to blame Cowboy and the rest of Team America for her disappearance (there really isn't much of a sensible explanation for this plot contrivance). The father urges the sheriff to arrest them and advance the plot, the lawman instead houses the team in the senator's own bunkhouse while things can be sorted out. Honcho must of rushed into the bunkhouse, as while the rest of the team are still gathered around the door, he's already chosen a top bunk and is stretched out upon it. Wrench is all for busting out, but the consensus is to wait to sort it all out. So as the team fall asleep, the Marauder appears and proceeds to track the missing car with PJ in it, via his eerie motorcyclist powers.

Come morning Cowboy sneaks out and hits the road in search for PJ. Following the tracks left by Marauder, he's joined by the sheriff who along the trail professes his own love for PJ. And don't you just hate it when you're travelling with someone and they blurt out something really personal, then the rest of the trip is just awkward? They eventually come to a large cliff, and are soon pulled up to the top by some sort of tractor beam.

Atop the cliff they find themselves in a lavish Roman style temple. And meet their host, Tony Rome, famous auto designer. He's been using his personally designed cars to kidnap the children of influential Texas people to hold as hostage to stop them from interfering with his grand scheme.

And his is a grand scheme indeed! He's going to turn Texas into a recreation of the Roman empire with himself as Emperor, or he'll nuke it. Yeah, that makes sense. The sheriff is released from captivity to return to the world with the Emperor's demands. While Cowboy is kept captive to challenge the Emperor in a race. Cowboy's motorbike against robotised chariots. What follows is far from Ben Hur.

Meanwhile the sheriff has done the only logical thing and ordered an airstrike on the mad Emperor. Can sheriffs order airstrikes? Maybe they can in Texas. With ten minutes before the place is raised to the ground, the sheriff, Team America and their bikes, parachute in to free the hostages. He's cutting it fairly close.

Back in the arena Cowboy uses the challenge to free the hostages and get knocked-out, like all good little Team America members do. Which means it's time for the Marauder to make the scene! Arriving just in time to stop the Emperor from launching his nuke and destroys his temple in the process. The Emperor feels the full weight of his Texas sized plans for domination crashing down when he's fatally whumped by a chunk of falling marble. The newly awake Cowboy digs him out for this exchange:
Emperor: “Why did you interfere?”
Cowboy: “I just couldn't let anything happen to PJ! Ain't yuh ever loved someone?”
Emperor: “No... Neverrrrr” And he dies in Cowboy's arms.
A strangely nonsensical death scene.

In the aftermath PJ throws herself at Cowboy, telling him she's been waiting for him to return. And realising that even though he loves her, he isn't prepared to sacrifice his life with Team America. Pretending not to care for her, he drives her into the eager arms of the waiting sheriff, before wistfully riding off into the sunset with his motorcycling companions.

An odd, poorly paced story. But through showing Cowboy's noble sacrifice it achieves its objective of ascribing to Cowboy a personality that was till this point non-existent. I still would of preferred a western tale though.

The real gem of this issue, after the cover, is the 'Honcho's Hints' two page back-up. 'How an engine works!' – which explains with technical diagrams the basics of a combustion engine. Really quite fascinating. And 'Customized bikes!' - in which Honcho urges us to consider that even though all bikes have the same basic structure, it doesn't mean they all have to be the same. Most subtle Honcho subtext yet! The page shows several different bike types evocatively rendered from obvious photo reference. They're so nicely drawn it makes you painfully aware at how poorly the motorcycles in the rest of this series are rendered! The art chores on these two pieces are by Brozowski and Giacoia for the Engine page. And Brozowski and Simons, for the bike designs.

This Cowboy story is the last in the Team America solo character stories. Meaning that the only member of the group that didn't get his own spotlight is the black member, Wrench. Which is a shame, as he is the most human and easily relatable character in the group.

With the end of the solo stories, another pattern shows itself. In each solo story the singled out member of Team America gets involved in adventure via an ex-girlfriend. Wolf's old lover who's brother goes missing. Reddy's ex who gets in trouble while investigating. Cowboy's past flame who gets abducted. All except Honcho... who got pulled into adventure by a man whom he shared a history with. Everyone was given a girlfriend except Honcho. At some point subtext stops being 'sub' and just becomes 'text'.

Next issue box promises the return of Jim Shooter on scripting... there goes any room left for the art!

SWEET SCOOTS!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #6

Team America #6
Cover date November 1982

Continuing the solo stories, this issue gives star spotlight to maybe the weakest character of the team, R.U. Reddy. The knock off Human Torch hothead. Kupperberg continues on the art chores in this issue called 'Dead Water'. The cover continues the same motif of so many previous issues – cycle riding below the spectral head of the issues star. And frankly it's getting a bit dull.

Opening the story we find the Team America performing an exhibition event in Louisiana. A show race. We're told that even though the plan was for all Team America riders to cross the line together, Reddy has such a burning need to win that he breaks from the pack to finish first. Honcho whines a lot about how they were all meant to finish at the same time. Which probably has a gay innuendo in it somewhere, but I don't want to look like I'm picking on Honcho. Especially when there's so much of Reddy in this issue to make fun of.

Kupperberg has an odd idea about the finishing line at motorcycle races, as he stretches a ribbon across the track for Reddy to risk cutting his head off with. So he's either never seen a motorcycle race or he likes Reddy as much as I do. In this instance the ribbon breaks dramatically... but, gee, they may want to replace that with a checkered flag or something. So Reddy wins the trophy – this exhibition event has a trophy.

We also get another factoid about the Unlimited Class Racing rules: 'The rules are few and the stakes are high'. Mantlo's avoidance of using an exclamation mark at the end of that sentence demonstrates amazing reserve!

After the race Reddy heads off solo to his own story on the pretext of visiting an old girlfriend. This time Mantlo has his character, (and by this stage they're definitely becoming his), walk through an old EC horror piece of nature fighting back against man's science. The story and dialogue are so slight in this issue there's hardly anything to recount here, however.

Reddy goes to look for his old girlfriend, Evelyn. But she's become a microbiologist and has gone to investigate a chemical spill by the Sweetwater Chemical Company, situated in the deepest darkest Bayou. Which, according to Kupperberg, is three guys sitting around an old petrol pump getting drunk. But after Reddy asks them a few questions they shake off their shiftlessness to get into a pick-up truck, beer cans still in hand, and try and shoot Reddy with a shotgun. I'm not too familiar with all the red-neck clichés in existence, but I don't think they've missed too many here.

Because Reddy is such a spectacular rider, (and it doesn't hurt that this is his book), he manages to run the red-necks off the road into the river. Aptly named Bayou Le Mort. The slimy green river, replete with comical floating oil drums, immediately rises up and eats the entire truck, including it's beer swilling occupants.

Reddy finally finds Evelyn at an abandoned motel. And hero that he is, quickly gets her dog eaten by the river. Which then chases them to the factory complex of Sweetwater Chemical Company. Where they find a conspiracy between the fatman from the Maltese Falcon, Mr Gutman and a terrorist cartel consisting of middle-eastern types, black power kaftan wearers, a barefoot kung-fu street fighter, Mafioso and apparently the leather-man from the Village People. I suppose these stereotypes, while not making much sense being together, can be viewed as the fears of either the writer or the artist, or possibly both.

The terrorists want to buy Gutman's slime monster to, well, terrorise people I suppose. Evelyn is soon captured and Reddy rescues her only to crash and knock both of them out. The lesson to be taken from that accident is that if your bike goes into a slide, don't throw yourself wildly into a passing wall thinking it will minimize the impact of your crash.

The Marauder takes advantage of Reddy being out of action (and when you think about it, Team America members receive a lot of head injuries. That's gotta have some long lasting effects). The mysterious Marauder beats the terrorists up (in a panel that the sloppy art depicts him as approximately nine feet tall) and re-directs the slime monster to eat the factory, before disappearing. Only Gutman survives and runs out begging the now conscious Reddy and Evelyn to take him on their bike, when, “I... I tripped over the control cables!!!” he yells as he falls into his own slime monster. That's classic irony, right there.

To destroy the slime monster, because you just can't let a living river of slime retire in peace, Reddy drives a oil tanker into it and sets it alight. Which only confuses the environmental message of the story - dumping mysterious chemicals into rivers = bad, dumping petroleum into rivers = good. Then Reddy gives the tanker driver his winners check from the race earlier to pay for the truck. Which goes to show some sort of character arc for Reddy. He use to be casual and extravagant with his fathers money and now he's extravagant with his own. Sure, not much of a character arc. But then again, R.U. Reddy isn't much of a character.

The letter page shows yet another reader positive that the Marauder is some subconscious manifestation of the Team America members. Another reader thinks he's an android. While Al Mejia of Slidell, LA, lies through his retarded, sycophantic teeth and says that he loves the artwork.

Having run out of team members to give pin-up pages to, this issue gives us two pages of 'Honcho's Racing Hints'. An illustrated guide to the top techniques of international professional racers. Along the way he gives us more perspective on Unlimited Class Racing: 'Unlimited Class Racing is the hairiest no-holds barred competition in motor sports! But in any race the bottom line is the same – to win!' Thanks for clearing that confusion up, Honcho!

He then goes on to talk about how good Wolf is at “running right up the middle” of the track to win. And keeps using Reddy as an example of poor racing tactics. An odd editorial choice to make considering the star of this particular issue. But Honcho also comes across as, well, a bit on the bitchy side. He goes on to talk about how to make dirt bike jumps using Cowboy as the example.

These little lessons are strangely interesting, but ultimately silly when you make a supposition of how many Team America readers were likely also to be motorbike owners. However they do add a very odd touch of, and I hesitate to write this, authenticity. At least for younger readers. And that's not such a poor thing. It also reminds the readers of the original concept of this series, motorbike racing, which it seems to have long abandoned. Which is unfortunate as the adventures of the racers travelling an international race circuit could have been fun.

THANKS, HONCHO!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #5

Team America #5
Cover date October 1982

It looks like this team book is continuing the interesting tactic to ignore the concept of team and focusing on another solo story. This time the ultra gay Honcho. In what the cover promises to be a 'spectacular solo adventure!' Just from Honcho's smouldering brown eyes staring out at you from the cover, you know this is going to be a full-throttle ride! Even though pencilling this issue is Alan Kupperburg, an artist that brings out the very worst in Colletta's inks. Shudder! But let's ignore that and get straight into the all gay action of Honcho's story!

'Triple Cross' starts off with Team America, well not really, it's only Honcho, Reddy and Wolf, (Cowboy and Wrench don't even get a cameo in this issue) doing a stunt show. Watched by a mysterious man who thinks about Honcho jealously, “Why would... Honcho... wastes his talents on them... when he is so much more useful to me!”

Cut to a locker room. Wolf is standing around naked while Honcho tells him and Reddy that “I'm doing the town by myself for a change!” Then thinks, “too bad I can't let them know what I'm really up to!” Oh, Honcho! You must feel so isolated. Not even being able to trust your closest friends with your secret. Feel Honcho's pain!

Honcho soon meets up with the mysterious stranger who turns out to be an old CIA friend called, Adrian. Adrian buys Honcho dinner and solicits him to join his new secret spy agency supposedly set up by the president. Honcho accepts as the smoke rings Adrian's been blowing, lower themselves seductively around Honcho's body.

The next day finds Honcho standing on a street corner in his tight white leather jumpsuit. Adrian crawls up to the curb in his car, winds down his window and invites Honcho to join him. He takes him to a parking garage, and just in case there wasn't enough subtext yet, they both go down together... on a platform into a secret ultra tech spy base.

Then follows a montage of Honcho being tested. Big image of Honcho sweating and straining. With an immediate cut to Honcho sitting buck naked on the edge of his bed as Adrian let's himself out of the room, saying, “Good news, Jim! You've still got your edge – and that makes you the best man I have!” No doubt... no doubt...

Honcho decides to do some snooping around the secret base, so dresses in his Team America brightly coloured tunic. He informs us via his thought balloons that he knows that Adrian's spy agency is secretly a crime organisation and Honcho was pressed into service by the FBI to infiltrate the criminal spy ring and bring it down. His FBI contact orders Honcho to do “Whatever he wants you to do!” Let's just say that I think Honcho has already more than followed that order.

Honcho then heads out on his phoney mission. Capturing a plane with a valuable defecting Soviet spy on it. Honcho goes about hi-jacking the plane in the standard manner... running his motorbike up to it as it takes off, then leaping onto the wing before climbing along the fuselage and using his helmet to smash open the cockpit window and slide in. Try and imagine how many laws of physics have to be not just broken but entirely ignored to manage that feat!

Adrian is there as Honcho lands the plane on a secret airstrip. He calls for his FBI contact to swoop in and holds a gun on Adrian and co. till the FBI guy arrives. When the FBI fellow does turn up it's discovered that he's in fact a double agent and doesn't work for the FBI at all! Hence the title of the story 'Triple Cross'... which may make it one of the only Team America stories with a story title that actually makes sense. Also in this scene it becomes painfully obvious that Kupperburg has no idea how to draw a hand gun... or a motorbike for that matter...

Having got Honcho to successfully complete their mission, and now having captured Honcho as well, Adrian and his criminal cohorts do the only thing they can. Namely tie Honcho up to a chair (oh, that saucy Honcho!) in the basement of the underground lair, start flooding the complex and set a bomb to blow up the building... Even Mantlo can't help but have Honcho comment that this death trap is clearly overkill!

As the water rises and threatens to drown him, Honcho struggles at his bonds before passing out. And who should then take that opportunity to appear and apprehend the crooks on his big black bike of justice..? Yep, the mysterious Marauder! He makes short work of them and roars off. Just as Honcho reappears, claiming that he must of freed himself while unconscious via “reflex”! I've no idea exactly how many reflexes a person has while passed out, but I'm guessing the 'free yourself from being tied to a chair' reflex isn't one of them. Just saying is all... Honcho doesn't let the near drowning slow him up. So quickly goes about defusing the time bomb, using what must be a crafty CIA learned technique. Reaching into the device and just ripping handfuls of wires out. Unsubtle, but it appears to work. End of Honcho's homoerotic hi-jinxes where he had to go undercover to lick a spy ring!

It's really not such a bad story. It makes as much sense as any Bond film from the same period anyway. It's interesting seeing what Mantlo was doing with this series. Being lumbered with a book which had no history and characters who were not more than blank slates cut to the shape of a cliché, Mantlo stepped away from writing a team book and started telling individual solo stories. Each one being framed in a different comics genre. Maruder's solo story – classic superhero fair. Wolf's – EC Horror. And Honcho's – spy thriller. Building up each of the characters separately before integrating them back into a team. A bold move, that I don't believe works that well. As it both destroys any momentum the book had built in the first two issues, as well as there being no reason why character building stories couldn't have been told within the context of the team structure.

Two more Marvel Materwork Pin-ups. This time for the Marauder and Wrench. One of Marauders many specialities seems to be leadership. Leadership? I don't get that. The Marauder is more of a loner than life of the party and kid-friendly Wolf. Have we ever seen Marauder lead anything? No, I don't think so.

Wrench's Hydra Classified File gives us the snippet that he's an amazing inventor and a competent rider. But only a 'competent rider' on a team of four other extraordinary riders you understand... make of that what you will.

The letters page has three more writers suggesting that the Marauder is a being created by all of Team America via their strange link. This time the editors suggest that the idea may not be too far off but it's not quite on the money. Another letter writer points out Honcho's uncomfortableness around women and suggests a female character for the team... Ha! Not going to happen in this sausage-fest!

Pretty In Pink

1986 might be famous for several things (Space Shuttle Challenger blew-up, Halley's Comet, and the Iran-Contra affair), but none more so than the release of Pretty In Pink. John Hughes love note to teen angst. Y' know, like all his other films. But Pretty In Pink is the sweetest. Even though like all of Hugh's teen dramas, there's a hint of human tragedy at the edges. Pink has Molly's alcoholic jobless father still mourning the loss of his wife walking out on him, filling this part. Which creates an interesting dynamic between Molly's need to trust in her great love, and her father's need to forget his. As well as his fascination with exploring the problems created by socio-economic differences on the teen dating scene.

The other standard Hughes tropes are well met here to, cutting-edge music and fashion. The music choices of the soundtrack are impeccable. With songs from Psychedelic Furs, New Order, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, The Smiths and INXS (Ya know what would make a great collection? A complete and definitive John Hughes 80s music set!). And the fashion isn't just reflective of the age, it helped shape it. So damn beautiful.

Molly Ringwald cements her position as THE sweetheart of the 80s with this outing. Even though she spends a majority of the film looking as if she's dressed up as someone's maiden aunt. But her wistful vulnerability is perfect. And yes, she does look very pretty in pink. But damn that's one ugly Prom dress. She looks like a potato sack full of candy.

And then of course there's Duckie. Largely considered the greatest of the Hugh's nerd characters. However I'm of the firm opinion that Ferris Buller's Day Off's Cameron takes that title. Duckie, played by John Cryer, is Molly's best friend who's madly in love with her. However, unlike in Some Kind Of Wonderful, he won't be getting his heart's desire in the final reel.

In a lot of ways this is Duckie's movie. The greatest emotional journey is carried by his character. As well as the broadest comedy. Duckie is funny, charming and the embodiment of all our deepest anxieties and, incredibly, the hero of the movie. He even beats up James Spader! He's a delight to watch, until you realise that he's most likely to kill himself in a fit of deep social exclusion by the time he's 24. I imagine he'd do it by running full-tilt at a freight train.

The hidden gem of Pink is a young James Spader. Playing the James Spader you've seen in every other one of his films. Smart, erudite, charmingly amoral. So it's a thing of consummate beauty as he plays the evil mastermind trying to break-up Molly's teen romance out of nothing more than spite. Who isn't a Spadyiac? Though the real question is, did James Spader create those early roles or did those early roles create James Spader?

Oh, yeah, and Andrew McCarthy plays the lead as Molly's 'too rich for the girl from the wrong side of the tracks' love interest. He's nice. Seems very... Andrew McCarthy-ish. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Plus there's a whole 'girl meets boy' plot going on and that's perfectly okay as well.

Great lines: “Isn't it great, so modern!”. “Every time you go to the john you lose IQ points”. “Whether or not you face the future it happens”. “If I was in a Turkish Prison I'd have a great time if I was with you”.

Falling in to the 'Hey did you know they were in it?' category: Annie Potts, Andrew 'Dice' Clay, Dweezil Zapper, Kristy Swanson.

Fashion wonders: Floral bobby-socks over white stockings. Vests! Lord when are vests going to come back into fashion. Men's hats worn rakishly on girls heads (and Duckie's...). Collars up! Jackets are to be worn with the sleeves pushed-up. Ray-Ban Wayfarers – the only cool sunglasses ever made. Teenagers wearing pearls. Non-ironic headbands. Cameo brooches.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #4

Team America #4
Cover date September 1982

'This issue: Wolf, alone dares to confront The Arcade Assassins!' Screams the cover blurb of the fourth issue accompanied by an illustration of Wolf sitting very uncomfortably on his bike as his own spectral head looks down in anger.

This is another solo story like last issue, brought to us by Mantlo, McDonnell and Colletta. Which is a weird way to handle a team book so early on in it's run. With the cover blurb of 'Arcade Assassins' you might fear that this series has taken an even steeper turn for the worse an brought in that cheapest of all Marvel villains, Arcade, but instead they've gone even more low-rent than that!

The story 'Dark Machine' opens on the immensely popular Magic Light Video Arcade. Children happily playing the games. All except the poor Hispanic boy, Carlos, who goes to the arcade to watch, then tries to sleep there overnight after it closes. And if you think just because Wolf is meant to be Hispanic, that his solo story will be about the plight of other stereotyped Hispanics... then you're absolutely correct. Why waste the effort in writing a character when so many narrow racial stereotypes are on hand?

While hiding amongst the machines he witnesses the two owners closing up shop. And discovers the secret of their wildly popular machines. The games are given their extra something special by runaway children the fiends stuff into the back of them! Cheaper than silicon micro computer transistors, I guess... As the two owners go about checking on each machine they find one that's 'burnt out'. The kid inside is dead. Which is quite a departure for a Comics Code approved book and actually a little shocking. They weren't really too big on the corpses of kids dragged about comic book pages.

The video arcade owners aren't just heartless one dimensional monsters however. Finding the dead kid they wonder if maybe they're working their kids too hard, and decide to close up a half hour earlier the next day to give 'em a rest. That's kinda sweet!

Carlos is soon discovered and jammed protesting into one of the machines. Well that's the end of that story I guess. But no! The very next day Team America is out breaking speed records on their scoots on the outskirts of town. Which town? No idea, they never say. When along comes another kid whose a friend of Wolf's ex-lover, Reina Montoya, whose kid brother Carlos has gone missing and she wants Wolf to find him. Wolf spurns the offered help of his friends and heads off alone. You know, because Wolf is a loner.

Going back to his old stomping ground of El Barrio, Wolf beats up a local motorcycle gang who make fun of his outfit (not realising it was design by Frank Miller) and he makes the gang leader join him in looking for Carlos. You know, because Wolf is a loner. They choose to stakeout their only possible lead, the Magic Light video arcade. And Wolf and the biker kill sometime by playing video games, presumably causing untold brain damage to whatever kid is locked inside it.

Soon mob bosses turn-up to organise financing a chain of these murderous video arcades across the nation. Wolf, suspecting he may be out of his depth, makes a telephone call for help to his team-mates You know, because Wolf is a loner. Then not waiting for them to turn-up, Wolf barges his way into the arcade with his tag along hoodlum, saying he's looking for lost kids. They suggest he go look around the back door. Now despite the previous page making a feature out of Wolf noticing the steel re-enforced rear door, he whispers to his companion that there is no back door and it's a trap to get them to turn their backs. Which is exactly what they do anyway... so really not much use figuring out it's a trap if all you're going to do is fall into it willingly. Wolf and friend are quickly knocked unconscious And there follows the best bit of dialogue from the whole issue.

Wondering what to do with the loner Wolf and his new buddy, the arcade owner says, “They're too big to stuff inside the machines, though I suppose we could cut their legs off...” And it's at this point the true classic EC nature of Mantlo's story becomes obvious. Kids whose brains are destroyed by video machines, heroes who are dismembered and suffer the same fate. It a tale worthy of the Crypt Keeper!

But this is still a Marvel book, so instead the criminals, fearing discovery, decide to clean-up after themselves by putting all their victims, the kids, the local biker but strangely no Wolf himself who has just vanished from the story at this point, on a roller-coaster. And on the front of the roller coater car they put a giant clowns head whose comical cigar is filled with plastique explosive! No, really, this is the most sensible way to cover their tracks. Why the explosive has to look like a clown's head is anyone's guess. Just another nightmarish element in this story.

Unsurprisingly, it's at this point the Marauder makes his dynamic appearance. Whizzing up the roller coaster tracks, he disposes of the explosive clown head by using it to blow up the arcade, then vanishes into the smoke and the night. And who comes barrelling out of the smoke to finish the job? None other than Wolf. He makes short work of them and even sticks around while the police take them off to jail. Only then does his team-mate Reddy show up. And in knowing remark Wolf suggest that maybe Reddy is secretly the Marauder. But only reading further will uncover the truth! And that's the end of the story. Not even one sly mention of Honcho's homosexuality... what a disappointment!

The letter column has two readers suggesting that the Marauder could be everyone in Team America. That they somehow get possessed by the Marauder entity when needed. But the editors poo-poo the idea saying that the Marauder isn't giving up his secrets just yet. Yeah, sure. Right.
There's also two more Marvel Masterworks Pin-Ups containing 'Hydra Classified File' character factoids. The two featured here are Honcho and Cowboy.

Cowboy it turns out, is an ex-rodeo champ who after winning every rodeo award traded his horse for a bike. Could that be more clichéd?

Honcho, however, breaks the Marvel cliché mould by being the company's first (almost) openly gay character. His factoid file reveals Honcho quit the CIA “because he was unable to cope with the agency's bureaucracy and politics”. I don't think it's too much of a stretch to read that as Honcho coming up against a 'Don't ask, don't tell' policy. Hey! They did manage to squeeze in a 'Honcho is gay' reference into this issue after all!

They also make reference to Honcho's ongoing one man counter-espionage battle to protect the USA. But I'm not sure if riding around getting shot at by Hydra really counts as a 'counter-espionage battle'. I think ol' Honcho has really lost his focus since teaming up with his leather clad pals.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #3

Team America #3
Cover date August 1982

The cover promises us 'This issue the mysterious Marauder battles alone!', apparently ignoring the previous two issues where Marauder battled alone. We're given a cover illustration of just the Marauder racing long with his own spectral like head looking over himself. It's all shades of grey on red, and where it's meant to look dramatic it looks muddy and a bit of a mess instead.

Issue #3 is a slight tale which only comes in at 18 pages. Bill Mantlo takes sole writing duties for what feels like a fill-in issue. Which isn't encouraging considering how early in the series this is. Luke McDonnell is on-board as penciler and Colletta (and whomever else he's using to do ghost work) is still butchering the pages with his inks.

Mantlo avoids bogging us down with too much set-up in this story 'Dial M for Mayhem'. Taking us straight to introduction of the villains of this piece and their motivations (well they don't really have any motivations, but in a story this thin having an important story element like character motivation would only be excess baggage). McDonnell has taken to channelling a poor-man's Ditko as influence in his character design here, and it only leads to softening what is already a light comedic script from Mantlo. Here's the splash page dialogue:

“Mister Magic is here, Mister Mayhem!” says the man dressed like a stage magician complete with monocle
“Mister Muscle is too!” says the character obviously based on Ditko's Ox from Spider-man, right down to the colours used on his outfit. And isn't Mister Muscle a household cleaner?
“Mister Mind has come in response to your summons, sir!” says not the classic Shazam villainous worm, but a midget with a swollen bald cranium.
“As the Mayhem Organisation knew you would, to receive your first assignment... Capture or kill – Marauder!” Says Mister Mayhem. A fellow dressed up as a yellow and orange boggled eyed clown. All polka dots and candy stripes. A fair attempt on McDonnell's part at designing a stupid looking Ditko villain. But why aren't they called the Mister Organisation? Or maybe Crap Conglomerate would be more apt.


Mayhem Organisation's motivation for going after the Marauder? It's never said. But Mister Mayhem gives us this insight into the Marauder's relationship with Team America, “I suspect that the mysterious Marauder may be one – all – or none of them!” Thanks for that, Mayhem.

Team America, unaware of this new third-rate menace that targets them, have taken a break from the international Unlimited Class racing circuit to put on an exhibition of motor-cross racing against each other. Even Wrench gets a uniform and a bike to race. Though none of them seem to be riding motor-cross dirt bikes. Three issues in and they've misplaced the international racing plot line already. Not many series fall apart as quickly as Team America does. It's one of its special charms.

In this race we're given some character moments. Cowboy likes to jump things and go “Yay-hoo!” Honcho likes to keep his bike clean of mud (why they don't just come out and say he likes Broadway musicals, I've no idea). Wolf likes to knock down trees and then ride across them to get over water hazards because he's tough. While Reddy likes to jump his bike from flat surfaces... not too dissimilar from Cowboy really. I guess they couldn't think of more personality style riding to spread out among the cast. Wrench is just glad the race is over so he can start to clean all the bikes.

There isn't much to this story. In the next panel the villains capture Team America by converting them into energy and putting them inside a large crystal. Less practical than using a Hydra-evil blimp, yet strangely more effective. The bad guys then get chased, by the Marauder, in their futuristic looking garbage truck to their secret underground lair. And the Marauder overcomes several obstacles to free them, including a giant pink cyborg with laser vision and a poor sense of balance. With each obstacle he uses an ability unique to each Team America member – riding fast like Wolf, jumping from flat surfaces like Reddy, avoiding menacing traffic cones like Honcho, sitting tall in the saddle like Cowboy, pressing a button like Wrench.

Then he comes up against all the Misters individually. There's a really nice splash page of a trippy battle with Mister Magic. It's just freaky enough to work. He overcomes him by commanding his riderless bike to run the magician over.

Mister Muscle comes at him with a giant cattle prod. The Marauder beats this Ox knock-off by, well I'm not entirely sure how, by being more resistant to electricity as far as I can tell.

For expediency, Mantlo let's Mister Mind succumb to the same electric shock as Muscle. Because he was monitoring the situation by video camera and Mantlo really doesn't want to be writing this story, so that's how video cameras work now. The captions tell us that the villains lair is plunged into darkness, which is a good thing as it's not reflected at all in the art. So when the freed Team America face off against Mister Mayhem it seems odd that he keeps complaining he can't see them. Wolf punches him once and it's all over. Team America ride off leaving their kidnappers lying unconscious in the secret lair. Commenting that since none of them were particularly aware of anything while locked in that energy crystal that the Marauder could still be anyone of them (...or all of them... all none of them! Thank you, Mister Mayhem).

Damn this was a stupid issue. And I'm using 'stupid' in comparison to other Team America issues! This issue feels like Marvel giving up entirely on the series. Just Mantlo's belief that he didn't need to give motivation to the villains points to people just no longer even pretending to care about this book.

Filling out the remaining pages are two Marvel Masterwork Pin-Ups of Wolf and Reddy. Wolf is running down unshaven men wearing suits. And Reddy is jumping a hatchback filled with gun totting criminals who say things like, “He's got more moves than the Harlem Globe-Trotters!” Presumably because no one bothered to tell the editors that it was 1982 and that fad was over. Each pin-up comes with some 'Hydra Classified File' titbits on the character.

Wolf's real name is unknown. Also “random comments suggest that he was an orphan, and never knew the warmth and security of a family”... aww, poor widdle Woofie! He's also described as a loner. And just like Wolverine, whom he's so obviously modelled on, Wolf is a loner in the classic Marvel-sense of the word: by loner they mean someone who is a member of a team.

Reddy's file tells us he's stupid and possibly mentally unstable. Wow, those Hydra factoid writers can just be plain mean at times!

This issue sees the first letters page. And it's filled with praise for the book! We also discover that Frank Miller came up with the cover design for issue #1 as well as designing Team America's grotesque outfits. Way to go Miller! It's strange how you don't hear people talk about this when discussing his earlier work like Daredevil and Ronin...

Rudy Nino of Patterson, CA, writes: “I think I've got a hunch who the Marauder is. He's all three of the members of Team America put together...” But according to the editor, nope.

James B. Barnes of Lexington, Kentucky, worries “Judging by your first issue, it's going to be very hard to keep this high level of quality going”. Well I'd have to agree with James that the quality of the book has already dropped.

Paul Entrekin of Lumberton, MS, pontificates: “I don't know if biking is going to hold reader's interest as the backdrop for Team America...” Obviously he didn't think about dune buggies! But his opinion seem to mirror editor Tom DeFalco's view of this series.

The famous 80s letter writer, T.M. Maple gets a few words in: “Team America certainly has the possibility to be in a class by itself, as far as subject matter goes, at least” That qualifier gets me thinking that ol' T.M. was taking a very subtle dig at the book. Way to go, T.M.!

There are a couple of requests for a Ghost Rider team-up, y'know... because he rides a bike and Team America rides bikes. And some people write-in to say how much they love the book, because they're either lying sycophants or retarded sycophants.

Brian Orlowski of Budd Lake, NJ, has a request: “I'd like to see more of Hydra in upcoming issues”. In a rather ominous response the editor responds with a curt, “You will, Brian”. Oh boy! More Hydra! Just what this book needs. But I guess, it's a bit better than having any more Mister Mayhem and his wacky crew.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #2

Team America #2
Cover date July 1982

With the second issue they take the interesting move of not featuring any of the characters they just set up rather painstakingly, (or at least painfully for us), in the first issue on the cover. Except for the black Marauder fellow whose drawn rather small and hidden in some muddy inks off to the side. Instead we get the main figure of a new Team America member in a full face helmet and cowboy hat (how does that work?), jumping onto a dune buggy. His own bike hidden by the corner box. So it seems they've abandoned the motorcycle concept as well. He's being shot at by what seem to be a glam-rocker on a pogo stick. This cover comes to us courtesy of Vosburg and that other stalwart of Marvel's inking bullpen almost as hamfisted as Colletta, Al Milgrom.

The second issue is such a big event that it's scripted not just by co-creator Jim Shooter but by Denny O'Neil and Bill Mantlo as well! Three scripters? You just know this is going to be good! Vosburg and Colletta return to hurt our sensibilities on the art chores. Though there are several pages that are very obviously not inked by Colletta (they look almost good), no one else is credited.

The story opens at the exact same moment we left our three victorious heroes. In front of the press accepting their trophy. Though Honcho has removed his hand from the bikini model. The title of this tale? 'Fear And Loathing In Montana' – which kinda suggests maybe this is going to be an out-there drugged fuelled yarn, only in Montana instead of Las Vegas. But you know it's not going to be that at all. Y'know it's called that because one of the many writers just recently read a bit of Hunter S. Thompson and thought he was being all hep and with it.

“Y'all the handsomest man I ever gave a trophy to!”, coos the retarded girl in the bikini to Honcho. Who replies “Uh... Thanks” a strained and nervous expression on his face while all his thoughts are solely for his ultra-macho team-mate, Wolf. Leaving me wondering if they really did intend to write Honcho as homosexual, because all of the clues are getting just a touch obvious!

A lot is made of the fact that Team America are independent racers rather than sponsored corporate riders. Pretty much the polar opposites of the artists and writers working for Marvel at the time.

What follows is a Fantastic Four type scene, with Wolf taking the part of the Thing and Reddy, The Human Torch, leaving the role of Invisible Girl for Honcho. I guess, as none of the team is smart enough to be Reed Richards. After a short fight, Wolf decides to quit the team and stomps off.

We then go to a trailer park in Florida and are introduced to a black couple, the first appearance of any black persons in the series, Wrench (real name Leonard Hebb) and Georgianna. Watching TV, Wrench sees the Team America interview on his little black & white set and tells his wife that they're off outta the trailer park to go join the team. Because “I am the best mechanic alive... the best!”, Wrench says. Though if he's so good why he's living in a trailer park is anyone's guess.

Wrench is the classic 80s black character. Not given an action roll as one of the main members of the team, but made really smart and gets to work as the main characters assistant. So, y'know, that's sorta empowering. It's not at all like being a servant or anything because he's really smart and knows mechanics and computers and shit, and the main white guys riding their bikes really respect that.

We learn a little bit more about the rules of Unlimited Class Racing. There's 'virtually no equipment restrictions' that apply to the vehicles in the race. So it's basically the same rule book as Wacky Races... I'm starting to think that a real world version of Unlimited Class Racing might be a fun spectacle.

The story then takes us to the suite of rooms in New York city to set up the evil Hydra plot of pure Hydra-evil for this issue. We meet the fearless leader, a bald man who never quite shows the reader the entirety of his face... ooh, mysterious! And his number two in command, who seems to be a very blocky looking woman called Agent Marcus. Watching Team America on their black & white TV as well (what, Hydra can't fork out for colour? Did they spend all their money on blimps?).

Fearless leader wants Team America eliminated as he suspects one of their number is the mysterious Marauder they've a vendetta against. So he gives the job to Marcus. Not being a complete fool, Marcus realises that Hydra doesn't have competent assassins, so outsources it to a freelancer who is never named. Though during his brief fight with some generic Hydra goons, this freelance assassin gives us some helpful advice. When sneaking up behind someone, “Never warn your target. He may have a bomb”. That's the kinda insight it takes three scripters to provide. Winning his trial the assassin receives a dossier with all the information Hydra has on Team America. Which seems to consist solely of a newspaper whose headline reads: Team America Wins! Which shows a serious lack of commitment in Hydra's intelligence gathering department. Hydra's so cut-rate they hardly qualify as villains.

Then back to our team of heroes and the hotel they're staying at. And intro a cowboy who has come to join the team because he feels compelled by that mysterious 'link' the others suffer from as well. He has an annoying habit of calling people 'rannies', and really I've no idea what that's supposed to mean. But I guess it's cowboy slang and that's as good as anything in replacement of an actual personality. He introduces himself by way of saving Honcho from an embarrassing situation, as yet another girl whose gaydar has broken attempts to hit on him, by throwing a lasso over him. Honcho doesn't seem too displeased with being tied up either. “I'm afraid the gents already engaged for the evenin' ma'am”, says the cowboy. “He's gonna be breakin' in the newest member of Team America!” Does that even count as subtext?

We quickly learn that this cowboy's name is Luke Merriweather, but people call him... Cowboy. Probably because of the hat and the lasso he carries with him.

And where's that poor man's Wolverine substitute, Wolf gone? Why he's off at the beach, wrestling with cliché neo-Nazi bikers so he can join their gang! That's the kind of loner Wolf is. As soon as he leaves one team he wants to join another. But along comes Wrench and his wife, Georgianna (actually the relationship between Wrench and Georgianna isn't stated, I may be just terribly old fashion. In fact he never seems to introduce her to anyone). A fight with the neo-Nazi bikers ensues where Wolf disappears and the Marauder appears out of nowhere to... put out the bikers beachside bonfire, then drives off. Not really as impressive as his previous appearances. The rest of Team America show up to save the day, Wolf reappears and agrees to re-join the team. Then there's an awkward panel where Wrench shows off his modified camper van and the reader gets the nasty sensation that Marvel was thinking about licensing this property as a toy-line. That panel with the campervan looks so much like a retail ad it seems odd that there isn't a recommended retail price sticker on it.

And if you like the Team America Campervan, then you'll love the Team America Dune Buggy! The story shifts to the next leg of the international Unlimited Class Racing tournament. This time they're in the Rocky Mountains and Wrench is showing off the dune buggy they're going to be racing. Motorbikes being relegated to the background for this issue. And considering the motorbike angle is this books main hook, it's odd that they downplay that concept in the second issue.

We get to see the team kicking back in a cookout the day before the race. Honcho and Wrench nerd out at the different toys they can license. Reddy plays his guitar. Wolf boozes up because he's a real man and no loco gringo. And Cowboy is hitting on Georgianna, who quite likes the attention. When along comes our assassin fellow from the almost incidental plot point of 'Hydra wants to kill us'. He takes an interesting approach for an assassin. He walks up to them, reveals that he's going to kill them off during the race one-by-one to draw out the Marauder, then walks off. That's not too stealthy! And what's he doing warning the target? They may have a bomb! You get the idea that cheap-arse Hydra is getting what they pay for with this guy.

The next day they're off and racing in what looks like a five car race between Team America's dune buggy, Speed Racer, a Toyota hatchback, a VW love bug, and a 50s Cadillac. We're given this extra insight into Unlimited Class Racing rules: 'Any kind of vehicle employing any level of technology is allowed. The only restrictions are the limits of one's imagination and finances... and the depth of a man's courage!' Which doesn't even begin to explain what the guy in the hatchback is doing in the race.

Y'know... that's one helluva screwed up rule book.

The race progresses and various team members come under attack from the nameless master assassin. First from his stealthy helicopter that fires missiles that don't explode but are designed to push cars off roads and down hills. No, really. Then he chases the dune buggy on a floating machine gun equipped trolley. No, really. But since he's not a very good shot decides to give up and go away. What a crap assassin!

Cowboy then leaps aboard the dune buggy to replicate the scene from the cover and drives the car to the finishing line. Where quite surprisingly, and against cliché, he comes second! A close second, but still second. This book is so predictable that it comes as a genuine surprise they don't win and whichever one of the multitude of writers came up with that idea should be commended for it.

The story finishes up with a scene at number two, Agent Marcus' secret Hydra lair. She prepares to execute the assassin for his failure when the Marauder turns up revealing her larger plot to overturn her fearless leader. The leader then promptly blows up Agent Marcus' base via remote control from New York. Only the Marauder and the assassin escape – presumably so he can menace the Team with being ineffectual at some future date.

Our final scene is of the team kicking back with a small party and is very chummy. A big deal is made of Wolf turning up late. So is Wolf secretly the Marauder? Will Hydra embarrass themselves again? Will Honcho exit the closet? I guess we're just going to have to keep reading to find out!

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #1

In 1982 from the brains of Ed Hannigan and the then Marvel Editor-In-Chief, Jim Shooter came one of the greatest comic book series of that decade – Team America! Well those two are credited on the splash page of this series, but Wikipedia gives their creation to J.M. DeMatteis and Mike Zeck, most likey due to their original appearance in Captain America #269.

Breaking into rapidly crowding comic book shelves with a roar, Team America offered something no other book at the time could, stars and stripes clad men on motorbikes. Awesome! Okay, well technically Captain America was known to ride a motorcycle and he's quite stars 'n' stripey. Ghost Rider was tooling about on a bike too, but hey, neither of them were a patch on Team America!

This comic series is famed for being not just dreadful, but 80s dreadful. It's talked of in the same breath (when it's mentioned at all), as US1 and Crystar the Crystal Warrior. But like those two other series there's a certain amount of charm and (misdirected) enthusiasm contained within those pages. They were a product of their time and as such shouldn't be so easily dismissed. Not every comic could be a Dark Knight or Watchmen. But like them, Team America and it's companions were not ordinary. They stood out for different reasons and refused to be forgotten.

So let's sit down, take a trip to the darkside of the legendary comics coin and read through this 12 issue mini-series (though like it's fellow legendary comics, the trucking adventures of US1 and toy line promoting of Crystar, the choice to make this a 12 issue series came only after sales figures came in), and revel in the sheer delight of Team America.

Team America #1
Cover date June 1982

No better place to start than the front cover. And this stylistic cover is glorious. Bob Layton gives us three red, white and blue motorcyclists racing along star encrusted blue streamers on a red background. An ominous giant, dressed and helmeted all in black, stands behind these three brightly coloured cyclists with his left arm raised in a balled fist salute to... well, I've no idea what he's saluting. But he looks for all the world like a member of the Black Panthers encouraging his brothers to kill whitey.

It's a nice cover and it's obvious that it's trying to reach for an iconic feel but it's let down by lacking a focal figure to pivot on and with all the character's faces helmeted they seem cold and inhuman. The colourist hasn't helped by flattening the whole piece by only using one shade of red and blue. They were probably going for a 'poster' type feel but it just doesn't work and Layton's artwork doesn't assist this.

But it's bright and has lots of stars. So let's turn the cover and get reading.

A red uniformed rider is poppin a wheelie at us with the blue and white rider following behind. All their uniforms are the same design, a big 'A' on the chest with lots of stripes and stars everywhere. Only the dominate colours change from rider to rider. All of them have full face helmets on, giving them that cold inhuman feel.

The inspiring title for this first issue is: 'Stan Lee presents The Origin Of Team America'. Which strikes me as a bit... uncreative for the debut issue of these new characters. Beneath the title is a flash reading, 'featuring the mysterious Marauder!' Along with a breakout pic of that all black rider from the cover. Oooh, intriguing. Already this comic has you wondering just who is this Marauder fellow and will we find out just what he's saluting on the cover?

The copy that rather awkwardly runs down the page reads; 'And introducing Unlimited Class Racing! The ultimate motorized competition! Sponsored by the multi-national corporations and industrialized nations, highly-trained racing crews thunder around special racing circuits all over the world, contending in the most challenging test of men and machines ever devised!' Which all reads like they're admitting that they really don't know anything about motorcycle racing, so they're just going to make up their own... Wacky Racers style.

But god help us, the text continues; 'Defying the technological giants is a team of individuals from widely diverse backgrounds, united by an inexplicable bond. A team of individuals striving to win victory and glory for themselves and their country!' The text never tells us just who these rugged individualists are or which country they ride for, but I'm guessing it's probably the Team America blokes.

But it's all an interesting premise. A globe trotting troupe of riders, bucking the system and getting up to all sorts of hi-jinx. Sounds like fun.

Being the opening issue Marvel's pulled out the big guns to create this comic. Jim Shooter on scripting chores. And a chore it is to wade through some of his over-written prose that took two letters (Jim Novak and Joe Rosen) to handle all the work he threw their way. Mike Vosburg on pencils. Vosburg is known for his other work on... actually I've no idea, I'm gonna have to look this fellow up (oh, it seems he also did some She-Hulk and G.I. Joe. His Wiki page doesn't even mention Team America. He won an Emmy for directing the animated Spawn series. Wow.) And ably inked by that true giant of the comics scene, the legend himself, Vince Colletta. Colletta, of course, being a more mysterious figure than the Marauder, in as much as it's a mystery just how he – and his legion of nameless assistants - got so much work. This being an obvious pet project of Shooter's, and him being the Editor-In-Chief, he could of hand picked anyone for this book. Why he chose the talent that he did is unfathomable, but all his strange choices just go to add to the legendary status of Team America. It's part of the charm.

The story starts out with an appallingly dull eight panel page layout for the first three pages. Showing the mysterious Marauder breaking into 'The ultra-modern headquarters of Universal Technologies'. Where the art fails to show us anything beyond the standard cat burglar action. Shooter covers the pictures with panel after panel of text letting us know that this black-clad figure exhibits super-strength, super-intelligence, super-intuition and super-speed reading. Basically all the stuff that isn't shown in the art. After reading and deleting five files from the curiously titled 'New Genesis' operation (the only one we see belonging to an ex-CIA agent, James McDonald), the Marauder gets busted. Apparently all his super-abilities don't help him against plot advancement.
After a brief chase where he demonstrates super-motorcycle abilities, such as using 'a slight irregularity in the road's surface – he is suddenly airborne' to jump security guard cars. One guard exclaims, “I – I can't believe it!”, and as a reader I couldn't agree more.

Then we cut back to Universal Technologies to discover it's a secret Hydra enclave. Hydra, the evil criminal organisation that usually battles Nick Fury or Captain America in their attempts at world domination. We're given an insight into Hydra's employee motivation policies – apparently any sort of failure means death. Which leads me to believe the office Christmas parties would probably be rather glum affairs.

Hydra's grand scheme is also revealed. They want to steal a new super-dooper motorbike being auditioned on the Unlimited Class racing circuit. World conquering Hydra wants to steal a bike. A bit of a step-down from world domination. And they're also going to kill all the people whose names were on those five files that were deleted. Mostly because they're Hydra and they're just plain evil dicks.

Then off to the race track of Daytona, USA. And a moustachioed fella with mutton-chop sideburns, denim vest and red bandanna headband who would look fine in the line-up of the Village People is strolling along. We know he's Hispanic despite his very pink hue because his first line of dialogue in his thought balloons is, “Madre de dios!” He then goes on to describe himself to... um, himself. “If I, El Lobo – The Wolf were riding in this race, no trick machine would beat me”, and isn't it great he even translates his own name in his head?

He even let's us know what he's doing around the race track. “Why did I come here? Why did I leave the outlaw band that had become my family? It's as though something... some force drew me to this place..”

If El Lobo, that's The Wolf to folks like you and me, has any more to say to himself we don't get to read it. As a Hydra agent creeps up behind him and shoots him. No, no... only joking. Of course the Hydra agent doesn't just pull a gun, that's just not Hydra-evil enough! Instead the agent plants a time bomb on a barrel behind him. But sadly the bomb goes Plink! (no really, it goes Plink!) and alerts Wolf. Whom, as Shooter describes in caption; 'With quickness born of desperation, Wolf's powerful muscles propel him headlong over the steel fire wall a full five yards away'. Which is lucky for the reader that the caption is there, as the artist has chosen to draw Wolf leaping over a knee-high wooden fence about 3 feet away from him.

Wolf survives and we're immediately taken to a Daytona hotel. James McDonald is strolling the hallway in a tux suffering the same mental problems as Wolf in needing to summarise himself mentally. “I've got to keep reminding myself that I'm on my own now! I've cut ties with the CIA!” While distracting himself, a Hydra agent sneaks up behind McDonald and... no, he doesn't pull a gun and shoot him, instead he pulls a Hydra-evil knife, throws it and misses. Don't any of these Hydra agents get issued guns? McDonald takes all the credit for the Hydra agent's shocking aim, “Anticipating the unexpected, always being tensed and ready, pays off!” Yeah, sure thing Batman, whatever.

Cutting immediately to the racetrack parking lot and the arrival of Winthrop Roan Jr, whose looking for a job racing bikes. “Man, I just gotta get a job and raise some heavy-duty cash!” Because he's a Ritchie Rich type kid who's been disinherited by his wealthy dad. “But I'm going to pay that miserable fatcat-jerk back every cent I ever took from him till the day he disowned me!” It's during this introspection that a Hydra agent sneaks up behind the red headed lad. Apparently this agent never got the memo about how to be extra Hydra-evil because he actually pulls a gun and shoots at young Winthrop. Who having seen the agent in his side-mirror ducks. The Hydra agent seems to only have one bullet in his gun so runs away.

Each one of our lucky trio are lead to a shed by mysterious notes. And the introductions are as enigmatic as you would expect from such rugged individuals.

Wolf: First... Your name Gringo.
Winthrop: I'm not sure I have one any more, pal... Except maybe 'R.U. Reddy'! Yeah... That was my stage name back when I had a rock band!

Ya really want to go with, R.U. Reddy? You don't want to reconsider that? And what the hell kinda rock band was that anyway? Sounds like New Kids On The Block. Okay now we have Wolf and R.U. Reddy. But where's McDonald, and will he get a groovy handle as well? Oh, here he comes...

Wolf: Eh? Who are you? And how did you sneak in here without I hear you?
McDonald: I have ways...

'Ways'? Does walking in through the backdoor really count as having a 'way'? Apparently every time I've come in from the garden I've had a 'way'... good Lord, I'm cool.

There's also a mysterious note from the equally mysterious Marauder:
“All of you share a common destiny. All of you are linked. All of you can triumph as one, or each of you can fall alone. Die alone, hope dies with you. If you win, I can win. If I win, hope lives on. For all. For America. Who will stand for America? The race awaits. - Marauder.” Strangely, none of our heroes points out that the mysterious Marauder is a cheesey melodramatic hack writer.

They quickly realise that there exists an ill-defined 'link' between the three of them. That they all feel strangely meaningful to each other. That this link is telling them to form a motorbike racing team. The link doesn't extend to letting any of the three know that they're being really gay and retarded.

But it's not all smooth sailing. Wolf isn't a team player and picks up a giant steel wrench, then bends it in his hands! Instead of freaking out at this completely impossible display of strength, McDonald says, “Something inside me wants there to be a team wearing red, white and blue out on that track next week! And who better to wear those colours than us? Who better to be Team America?! We're three individuals each striving to be the best, each driven by his own separate dreams! Isn't that what America's all about?” That's an interesting question. What's your answer? Mine was, no, no it's not.

“Right on, man!” Says R.U. forgetting that it's 1982 for a second.

What follows is a time jump to the day before the race and had this been an 80s movie you just know they would of filled that gap with a motorcycle building montage. R.U., Wolf and McDonald (who hasn't managed to get himself a nickname) are working on their three 'scoots' – which is what all serious bike riders call their vehicles. “You're real used to giving orders, aren't you, McDonald?”, says Wolf. “I guess that's why they called me Honcho where I used to work”. Annndd there we have it! McDonald's stupid nickname! His old workmates called him Honcho? Where did he work? A gay strip bar? “None of your business!” Says Honcho to all questions. Which only lends weight to the whole 'gay strip bar' possibility.

A quick interlude shows us the preparations Hydra has made to steal the motorbike of Team America's Japanese competitor, Pop and his Team Kawahama. They've assembled a platoon of agents with guns(!), 6 tanks, 8 helicopter gunships and a blimp. That deserves repeating... a blimp. And all this assembled Hydra-evil is to steal one motorbike. Let's just hope that they don't run up against three guys on scoots, otherwise they're gonna wish they'd taken another blimp.

Race day arrives to find our three macho men in their stars and stripes leathers. And we get an insight into how the Daytona leg of the Unlimited Class Race is run. It's a three man relay (lucky that) of 25 laps each. Strangely enough there isn't any commercial branding and sponsor logos to be seen anywhere around the track. Odd.

Honcho goes first. And while the race is hard, he doesn't give up hope and uses some racing slang. “We've got to take the best line through every turn, and ride the ragged edge all day”.
Then comes R.U. Reddy on to the track. He's so excited about getting into the race that he manages to jump his bike over a Frenchman from a standing start. Man, this comic has everything.

Finally it's Wolf's turn to ride. And he'll be going to the finishing line against Pop and his Japanese Team Kawahama's super-bike. The bike's super by the way because it has automatic guiding sensors that senses objects around it, then swerves to avoid them... which has got to take a lot of pressure off the rider. Despite this amazing machine's superness with not crashing into any walls and whatnot, Wolf wins the race with a fist pumping salute. Because, as Wolf himself thinks, “A real man only needs his strength, skills and courage!” Hey, don't completely dismiss that bike you're sitting on, Wolf!

Wolf's win causes a little confusion for the Hydra agents laying in wait. As their plan hinged on attacking and stealing the bike that was in the Winner's Circle... whoops. All havoc breaks loose as Hydra attacks. Team America fly into action. Which mostly entails riding their bikes up to people and kicking them. Go Team America!

It looks like the Hydra forces aren't doing to well with their platoon of gun toting goons (who don't seem to ever fire them...), tanks and helicopter gunships. So they bring in their big gun... the blimp of pure Hydra-evil! Which promptly sucks up, via it's vortex beam, both Pop and his superbike plus R.U. Reddy. “Hoo-boy! This is more fun than playing space invaders!” R.U. Says naming the only video game that Jim Shooter has ever heard of.

Is Hydra finally victorious? It would seem so, until the ever present caption box tells us, 'A devastating blast of incredible energy explodes outward from the ship's interior'. This caption panel actually serves a purpose as the illustration would suggest the blimp being blasted from somewhere on the ground. Though as the blimp hits the ground and it's shell brakes off, the caption let's us know; 'The ship's outer shell shatters on impact'. Um... thanks.

In the wreck is the Marauder fighting Hydra agents. With the loss of their blimp, Hydra realises that they can't possibly win, so quickly flee with their tanks and gunships. But in the process manage to destroy the superbike. Which can't be re-built because the guidance system was “an accidental fusing of wires [that] cannot be duplicated!” Damn, that's both unfortunate and unlikely! It's also sorta the plot device of 'Electric Dreams', a much maligned and under-appreciated romantic comedy with a fantastic music score.

Reddy is accused of being the Marauder but denies it. Saying he was knocked unconscious up in that blimp. Because of the mysterious link the other two believe him.

The issue ends with the trio in the press spotlight. Wolf stands alone all grouchy and pouty, R.U. Reddy is hugging the trophy. And Honcho looks uncomfortable while holding a bikini model in the most disinterested manner possible. Honcho is so completely in the closet. But all three are winners!

And that's issue #1 of the 1982 extravaganza Team America. All in all it's not such a bad premise. A team of exciting motorbike riders, a mysterious black clad stranger who may be one of the team, an international racing circuit and some spy-like intrigue. It's all there – well except for the fact that it was buried beneath some very bad art and giant caption boxes. It shouldn't be bad, but oh god it is. It's terrible.

For the rest of the 12 issue series I'll try for shorter reviews/read throughs.

Go Team Go!
And I think it's horse races that are on turf, Reddy... idiot.