Weird Science

Let's go all the way to those science filled mystical days of 1985. When John Hughes still made movies and Anthony Michael Hall still starred in them.

The film starts off with Anthony Michael Hall and co-star Ilan Mitchell-Smith perving on a high school girls gymnastics team, before getting wedgied by an insanely young Robert Downey JR.

You'll probably remember Ilan Mitchel-Smith from the other things he went on to do. Such as The Chocolate War, Journey to the Centre of the Earth and now as a professor of English in Texas (oh, that's pretty cool, good for him! Better than fading away in never successful casting calls). Okay, well maybe you won't remember him. Shame, he has a good screen presence and is probably a better actor than Hall.

The two actors play perpetual geeks. Horribly hormonal teen geeky nerds, at that. So late one night, after being inspired by an old Frankenstein flick, they decide to create a simulation on their computer of the perfect woman. To ramp up the computers power they insert 9-inch floppies, hack U.S. Military computers (just think what Matthew Broderick's War Games could have been like if they had just taken this next obvious step... well it would have been just like this really...) and scan in magazine ads of pretty girls who are all Kelly LeBrock. They then do what's only normal after all of this. They tie a car battery to a Barbie doll (re-shaped to look like Kelly LeBrock) and hook that up to the computer as well. Then putting bras on their heads they chant a little. Just at that time the sky above their house goes blood red and starts shooting down bolts of lightening.

Then in the sleepy town of Shermer, Illinois ('One of America's Towns' is it slogan) – the fictitious setting for all of Hughes films – things go wild. Kitchen appliances blow-up, manhole covers explode and saint bernards sit on the ceiling and bark at their owners. The boys panic. But can't turn off the computer. Even swinging a baseball bat only causes the bat to shatter. All of which creates the living, breathing, chest-heaving and pouting Kelly LeBrock into existence.

Which all sounds a bit too far fetched, I know. But you've got to understand, this was 1985, computers were a lot more powerful back then. None of this works with today's lame-arsed modern computers – no, not even with Macs – I've tried.

LeBrock is like a big magical sexy Mary Poppins, who can do anything. Magic-up cars, clothes, motorcycle riding inbred mutant Nazis – you name it. And teaches the young lads confidence while getting them, into crazy mixed-up hi-jinx. Luckily the 'be honest and be yourself' plot is easy enough to ignore. After that the movie pretty much writes itself. We get, evil bully militaristic older brother (played by Bill Paxton) who gets his comeuppance. Lessons in kissing. Masturbation jokes. Literal toilet humour. Car chase. Visiting grandparents being shocked at youthful exuberance – take that establishment!

The film isn't much more than a prolonged teen boy fantasy, and it's to its credit that it doesn't try to be anything more. It hasn't aged well. It's froth. It's dumb. But it's fun dumb froth. And with the smooth direction of Hughes it keeps running well under it's own energy – though the mutant bikers scene could be a bit shorter. And now with all the 80s loveliness the film's even better. All set to the pseudonymous title track by Oingo Boingo, (other music by Wall of Voodoo, Van Halen and Los Lobos) how could you not find a little warmth in your heart for this film?

Great quotes: “So what would you little maniacs like to do first?”, “He pukes, you die!”, “You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue”, “If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?”, “You should know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat”.

Great 80s bits: Popcorn makers. Women's underwear that looks like guy's underwear now. Robert Downey Jr dressed like a back-up singer for Boy George – it's the upturned shirt and jacket over Bermuda shorts that does it. Big hair! Fingerless studded gloves. Sequin tops. Hair worn up and to the side in some sort of weird attempt to look like they've had a horse crash into the side of their heads – did anyone really think this looked good for more than five minutes? Calculator wrist watches. Inter-continental nuclear ballistic missile.

Retro Comic Read Through: Team America #12

Team America #12
Cover date May 1983

This is it. The big conclusion. The double-sized send off. The final issue of one of the most quintessential series of the 80s. And it's no less the wonder than we've all come to expect from this book.

The cover is suitably evocative of the occasion. The members flying chaotically from a blast. The books masthead shattering at the historical force of this being the last issue. Showing a wonderful sense of humour, the cover blurb reads, 'Because YOU demanded it – the end of Team America!' Which is a lovely indication that the creators knew exactly what they'd managed to create over the last eleven issues.

And for the final story the talents are, Jim Shooter on plot and script, Don Perlin pencilling and doing some plotting as well. Vince Colletta refuses to let the book go quietly into the night without turning up to lend his very special abilities just one last time. Thanks, Vince, it wouldn't have been the same without you! Though to be fair, Colletta manages to do one of his better jobs here. It's obvious he's spent more time than usual on this last issue, and it really shows.

The story starts exactly where issue #11 left off. The team surrounding the unmasked Marauder, in a state of shock. “I'm trippin', right? This has to be un-freakin' real, man!”, exclaims Reddy. Apparently forgetting it was the 80s – yet again. And before us is the Marauder revealed... as [insert drum-roll] Georgianna! Shock! Startle! Surprise! Or “Bless my soul!” as Cowboy says.
Georgianna claims complete ignorance of ever being the Marauder. But before we can delve further into this new mystery, we cut to Hydra Regional Director Elsie Carson. Whom you might recall, despite her being evil, we were sympathetically introduced to last issue. The Hydra agent with a heart. Her plot to kill Team America having failed, she now faces the standard Hydra reprimand – death! Hydra is a tough organisation.
The manner of deathly reprimand chosen is execution by circle of gun men (which seems to me to be as dangerous for the gunmen as the victim. There's a reason firing squads stand in a straight line. And it's a very good reason, too!). But Elsie is craftier than your average Hydra flunky and shoots her way out to freedom. All the while we get to see her thoughts. Most of which are ones for the well-being of the men she shot and their families. They were her employees after all, and Elsie is an example of that softer, fuzzier side of the murderous Hydra we just don't see enough of.

Meanwhile, in the Team America campervan, the lads are going about their lives. Reddy is complaining about all the letters he receives from his estranged father, asking him to come home. While Honcho focuses on his twin passions – muscle men and fashion. He veritably swoons over the Marauder outfit Georgianna was wearing. Marvelling at how it was tailored to make her look like a muscular man and wanting to know if she designed it herself.

Meanwhile yet again, Director Elsie is lurking outside the campervan. After she explains to herself that her hubby and kids are still in danger from Hydra's petty employee motivational practices. She then goes on to explain (to herself) that she's never been a killer – then opens fire with a giant gun on Team America's van, trying to kill them all.

Luckily for the team, Honcho saves them all by imparting some of his CIA training. He tells them to duck. Brilliant, Honcho. You're a regular James Bond. Amongst the hail of gunfire perforating the van, Georgianna helps the reader follow what's happening by exclaiming, “Somebody's trying to kill us!”

What follows next is a street brawl between the entire team versus one mother of two who sits behind a desk all day. And Team America almost loses! They're really not very impressive, but at least it reminds us why their series is getting cancelled.

During the fight we get to see impossible feats of strength from Wolf, along with lines like, “Woman or not, El Lobo will smash you!” Plus satisfying panels of Honcho being high kicked in the chin, Reddy elbowed in the eye, Wolf kicked in the face repeatedly, Georgianna judo thrown like a ragdoll, and Cowboy beaten senseless with the body of one of his addled team mates. It says a lot about the characters when the most enjoyment you get from them is when they're being beaten up. Yeah, go Hydra lady, go!

If this entire issue was just Wolf getting kicked in the face I'd probably rate it as the most satisfying Team America story ever. Sadly, the fight ends when Honcho gets a hold of the gun. And then Elsie tells them the secret origin of that mysterious psychic link between them that has played almost no part at all in the entire series.

Apparently, Hydra selected all of Team America's parents – and a hundred other couples – to be secretly administered drugs that would create an army of super mutant secret agents. However Hydra thought the project, called 'New Genesis', a failure and shut it down. But Elsie figured out that it wasn't entirely unsuccessful. That the team could project the Marauder's personality, power and the bike and the leather clothing too, onto other people in times of need.

Which raises a few things. If hundreds of expectant couples were in this Hydra experiment, why did we get saddled with this band of useless idiots? If the Marauder is a psychic projection of sorts, why does he need to hide his super bike in the team's van? And most disturbingly of all, New Genesis was the file name the Marauder was erasing way back in issue one – which begs the question, this super mutant secret agent plot wasn't just a bit of last minute dodge to wrap up the series, they really sat around and plotted this out all before issue one? And still thought it sounded good?

The murderous Hydra lady, Elsie then tells them her personal story. Of her crippled husband and her kids and how just because she works middle management for a deadly international crime syndicate hell bent on world domination, that doesn't mean she's a bad person. And convinces the team to let her go so she can say good bye to her kids then allow herself to be executed to protect them.

We then get four pages of Elsie saying farewell to her family and facing her assassins. Four pages, which strikes me as a hell of a lot of pages to burn on a non-team member and incidental character in the series last issue. Especially when the team members farewells are so rushed at the end of the book.

Just before Elsie is due to bite the dust, Team America ride in and save the day in a multi page fight scene. Strangely enough, considering this is their last big dynamic appearance ever, the choice was made to not dress them in their colourful team uniforms but in their regular street wear.
In standard Hydra-evil style there's about thirty agents sent to kill Elsie, including two that brought along a massive laser cannon to vaporise the neighbourhood. Hydra's got a massive overcompensation complex.

However the same Team America who could barely survive an angry desperate mother of two earlier make short work of the thirty highly trained combat agents (who apparently never got shown where the triggers are on the guns they carry). Even Georgianna gets into the act, running down the two cannon wielding guys on a motorbike.

Amidst all the confusion, the only plain clothed agent, a black guy – which begs the question, why are the green uniformed agents always white? - makes it through to Elsie's crippled husband and kids. But before he can shoot, Wolf guns him down with one shot.

Hydra handled, Elsie and her family take off in a car to go live new lives never to be seen again – jeez, I guess all those pages spent building up Elsie as a character was worth it then. And Georgianna reveals to Wrench, while standing in the middle of a street fulla unconscious Hydra agents, that she's not been riding Cowboy but that Cowboy has been teaching her to ride. A motorbike. So she could surprise Wrench with her motorbike riding love for him. Instead of asking her if she's retarded, Wrench asks her to marry him. Georgianna replies with, “As they say back in Motown – you got it, Bro!” Oh, Jim Shooter, you got dragged kicking and screaming into the 80s, didn't ya?

Then the story wraps up quick. Wrench and Georgianna decide to leave the team to settle down. And from the way Georgianna can't make eye contact with anyone, you know it was her choice not his. She is the Yoko after all.

Wolf lets the rest know that even though he pretends to be a big tough guy with a violent and bloody past, it turns out he's never killed a person before and needs time to think. To cry. Because Wolf is a baby sook. But having Wolf say he wants to be alone at least moves his character arc along from his desperate need to be part of a team. If Wolf's not careful he might actually end up being the loner that he's always pretended be.

Honcho wants to go back to the CIA. And fight evil and stuff. Being part of a touring racing team not providing him with as much evil fighting as he was initially expecting.

Cowboy wants to open up a racing school. His need to win continuously apparently sated by spending a year in a team that couldn't win very often. Hell, they spent a good portion of the time not even crossing the finishing line.

Reddy is very upset at all of this. Really he's very upset. He's so upset that he begins to cry. The others comfort him and convince him to call and reconcile with his father. So he does. And no surprise everything is peachy. What is surprising is that his dad turns out to be Stan Lee... No really, the slime-bag dad that Reddy has riled against the previous eleven issues, turns out to be Stan the man Lee. Brilliant! With only four pages of story left to this book, Team America doesn't fail to deliver the sheer strangeness it's so much loved for. Well, by me, anyway...

Reddy's dad, Stan Lee, is so appreciative that Reddy's buddies convinced him to call that he offers to give Wrench and Georgianna the 'the biggest, snazziest wedding ever'. This consists of an awning. But it's a very nice awning. Flowers and everything. It looks like the type of awning that could run you up a couple of hundred dollars from any modestly priced wedding hire store. Georgianna looks lovely in her bridal leathers astride her motorbike while taking her vows.

No sooner have the married couple driven off, no wedding reception – Stan Lee's a bit of a tight wad – that the rest of the team say their good byes. Honcho slipping quietly into a car with strange men (nothing new there), Wolf riding away brusquely upon his scoot and Cowboy and a still teary eyed Reddy flying away on separate flights.
Below Reddy's plane, in the desert, rides the Marauder (which must mean one of Team America has managed to render themselves unconscious yet again...) Seeing him there all of a sudden reminds me that this is his only appearance in the story. Once again a fairly decent Team America story has been told, and the Marauder was never missed. He then turns and rides off into the sunset. Taking with him both our thanks for his leaving and any hopes that this book would ever turn into anything more than a bizarrely spectacular train wreck.

Did the team live up to the promise of Marauder's note from issue one? The one that read: “All of you share a common destiny. All of you are linked. All of you can triumph as one, or each of you can fall alone. Die alone, hope dies with you. If you win, I can win. If I win, hope lives on. For all. For America. Who will stand for America? The race awaits. - Marauder.” Well I guess they all sucked, so yeah they sorta shared a common destiny. A destiny of suck. Hope died for me around issue three and did they ever 'stand for America' once? Even just a little teeny-weeny bit? No. No they did not.

Good bye Marauder. Good bye Team America. You were as beautiful and wonderful as the decade that defined you.

There are two interesting text pieces in this issue as well. One an apology/explanation for the cancelling of the book in the letters page. The other a Bullpen Bulletin which has an interview with Vince Colletta. Just to let you know that while Team America might be dead, Colletta was still very much alive and could turn up on your favourite title when you least expected it. Oh, the humanity!
The letters page, written by Jim Shooter, tells us: “Team America was a success – but we had to cancel it anyway”, bullshits Shooter. He goes on to explain that even though the book made a small profit it was more important to free-up valuable talent to work on other projects. Y'know, like Vince Colletta.

“So doesn't Team America deserve the same respect [as Frank Miller's Daredevil]? Isn't it an artistic success? I don't think so”. Wow, who would of expected that sort of honesty from Shooter in a puff piece? Shooter was kinda cool.

He continues, “Don't get me wrong – the creative people involved generally did an outstanding job [generally? Who is he not including in this statement? Colletta?], especially inker Vince Colletta, who stayed with Team America from beginning to end”. What? First, Colletta wasn't on every issue. Issue eleven, Shooter, issue eleven! You know which one I mean, the good looking one! And secondly, what did Colletta do? Drag you out of a burning building then go back into the flames for your mother and a six pack of beer?

“Working with half a dozen different pencilers” - and whose fault is that Shooter? Was it really that impossible for you to pick just one penciler and stick with him? Vosburg, McDonnell, Kupperburg, Perlin, Bright, and Simons all worked on the book. You really saying there wasn't one of that lot who wouldn't have taken on a full-time gig?

“However something didn't click. Somehow the creative crew, including the editor Tom DeFalco and the big boss editor, me, couldn't find the handle, couldn't isolate the unique angle of approach that would make Team America come alive”. How about a book about motorcycle racers getting into wild hi-jinxs on an international racing circuit? That could have been a good handle, Shooter. Yep, that could have been a unique angle, indeed...

The Bullpen Bulletin interview between Colletta and Shooter gives us some interesting tid-bits.
Vince: I never had a day without work... and I never had to ask for a single one of those jobs.
[Which lends weight to my theory that one of the required talents to be a comic book editor is to have survived having been dropped on your head as a baby.]

Shooter: Has anyone ever told you that you look like a Mafia Boss? [In a moment of bravery, despite his family still being held hostage...]
Vince: Back when Stan Lee was doing your job... He thought I looked like a gangster. He didn't want me to scare the kids. [How about not showing the kids your inks, huh? Give 'em a night without waking up screaming in a cold sweat, huh?]

Vince: There have been times when I've tried to give editors jobs back. I told them, “these pencils are beautiful. Get someone better to ink them!” But, they always insisted that I do them.
[Which is a refreshing breeze of honesty from Colletta. And makes these editors out to be evilest men in history. Hydra-evil!]

And that's not just Team America #12, but Team America the series. A book that started with a great concept, which then got immediately ignored. Characters who started off as blank stereotypes, and when they were given personalities it turned out they were complete dicks. The terrific wacky international racing circuit that they never participated much in and won even less. Honcho's frolics. Wolf's sad sorry existence. The general lack of requirement for Marauder to ever have been created.

It was a series of so much wonderful possibility given to creative folk that had little to no interest in being creative that particular month. But amongst all the ribbons stretched across racing track finishing lines and other train wreck aspects, Team America shines out as an amazing time capsule of 80s brilliance. Somewhere in there is everything both good and bad about 80s comicdom. Renowned as being dreadful, it has it's own unique charms that make it one of the greatest comic books in existence! Farewell, Team America – may the road run smoothly beneath your scoots.