Weird Science

Let's go all the way to those science filled mystical days of 1985. When John Hughes still made movies and Anthony Michael Hall still starred in them.

The film starts off with Anthony Michael Hall and co-star Ilan Mitchell-Smith perving on a high school girls gymnastics team, before getting wedgied by an insanely young Robert Downey JR.

You'll probably remember Ilan Mitchel-Smith from the other things he went on to do. Such as The Chocolate War, Journey to the Centre of the Earth and now as a professor of English in Texas (oh, that's pretty cool, good for him! Better than fading away in never successful casting calls). Okay, well maybe you won't remember him. Shame, he has a good screen presence and is probably a better actor than Hall.

The two actors play perpetual geeks. Horribly hormonal teen geeky nerds, at that. So late one night, after being inspired by an old Frankenstein flick, they decide to create a simulation on their computer of the perfect woman. To ramp up the computers power they insert 9-inch floppies, hack U.S. Military computers (just think what Matthew Broderick's War Games could have been like if they had just taken this next obvious step... well it would have been just like this really...) and scan in magazine ads of pretty girls who are all Kelly LeBrock. They then do what's only normal after all of this. They tie a car battery to a Barbie doll (re-shaped to look like Kelly LeBrock) and hook that up to the computer as well. Then putting bras on their heads they chant a little. Just at that time the sky above their house goes blood red and starts shooting down bolts of lightening.

Then in the sleepy town of Shermer, Illinois ('One of America's Towns' is it slogan) – the fictitious setting for all of Hughes films – things go wild. Kitchen appliances blow-up, manhole covers explode and saint bernards sit on the ceiling and bark at their owners. The boys panic. But can't turn off the computer. Even swinging a baseball bat only causes the bat to shatter. All of which creates the living, breathing, chest-heaving and pouting Kelly LeBrock into existence.

Which all sounds a bit too far fetched, I know. But you've got to understand, this was 1985, computers were a lot more powerful back then. None of this works with today's lame-arsed modern computers – no, not even with Macs – I've tried.

LeBrock is like a big magical sexy Mary Poppins, who can do anything. Magic-up cars, clothes, motorcycle riding inbred mutant Nazis – you name it. And teaches the young lads confidence while getting them, into crazy mixed-up hi-jinx. Luckily the 'be honest and be yourself' plot is easy enough to ignore. After that the movie pretty much writes itself. We get, evil bully militaristic older brother (played by Bill Paxton) who gets his comeuppance. Lessons in kissing. Masturbation jokes. Literal toilet humour. Car chase. Visiting grandparents being shocked at youthful exuberance – take that establishment!

The film isn't much more than a prolonged teen boy fantasy, and it's to its credit that it doesn't try to be anything more. It hasn't aged well. It's froth. It's dumb. But it's fun dumb froth. And with the smooth direction of Hughes it keeps running well under it's own energy – though the mutant bikers scene could be a bit shorter. And now with all the 80s loveliness the film's even better. All set to the pseudonymous title track by Oingo Boingo, (other music by Wall of Voodoo, Van Halen and Los Lobos) how could you not find a little warmth in your heart for this film?

Great quotes: “So what would you little maniacs like to do first?”, “He pukes, you die!”, “You two donkey-dicks couldn't get laid in a morgue”, “If you're going to float an air biscuit, let me know, okay?”, “You should know better than to walk into somebody's house and start hitting people with your Rex Harrison hat”.

Great 80s bits: Popcorn makers. Women's underwear that looks like guy's underwear now. Robert Downey Jr dressed like a back-up singer for Boy George – it's the upturned shirt and jacket over Bermuda shorts that does it. Big hair! Fingerless studded gloves. Sequin tops. Hair worn up and to the side in some sort of weird attempt to look like they've had a horse crash into the side of their heads – did anyone really think this looked good for more than five minutes? Calculator wrist watches. Inter-continental nuclear ballistic missile.

Pretty In Pink

1986 might be famous for several things (Space Shuttle Challenger blew-up, Halley's Comet, and the Iran-Contra affair), but none more so than the release of Pretty In Pink. John Hughes love note to teen angst. Y' know, like all his other films. But Pretty In Pink is the sweetest. Even though like all of Hugh's teen dramas, there's a hint of human tragedy at the edges. Pink has Molly's alcoholic jobless father still mourning the loss of his wife walking out on him, filling this part. Which creates an interesting dynamic between Molly's need to trust in her great love, and her father's need to forget his. As well as his fascination with exploring the problems created by socio-economic differences on the teen dating scene.

The other standard Hughes tropes are well met here to, cutting-edge music and fashion. The music choices of the soundtrack are impeccable. With songs from Psychedelic Furs, New Order, Orchestral Manoeuvres In The Dark, The Smiths and INXS (Ya know what would make a great collection? A complete and definitive John Hughes 80s music set!). And the fashion isn't just reflective of the age, it helped shape it. So damn beautiful.

Molly Ringwald cements her position as THE sweetheart of the 80s with this outing. Even though she spends a majority of the film looking as if she's dressed up as someone's maiden aunt. But her wistful vulnerability is perfect. And yes, she does look very pretty in pink. But damn that's one ugly Prom dress. She looks like a potato sack full of candy.

And then of course there's Duckie. Largely considered the greatest of the Hugh's nerd characters. However I'm of the firm opinion that Ferris Buller's Day Off's Cameron takes that title. Duckie, played by John Cryer, is Molly's best friend who's madly in love with her. However, unlike in Some Kind Of Wonderful, he won't be getting his heart's desire in the final reel.

In a lot of ways this is Duckie's movie. The greatest emotional journey is carried by his character. As well as the broadest comedy. Duckie is funny, charming and the embodiment of all our deepest anxieties and, incredibly, the hero of the movie. He even beats up James Spader! He's a delight to watch, until you realise that he's most likely to kill himself in a fit of deep social exclusion by the time he's 24. I imagine he'd do it by running full-tilt at a freight train.

The hidden gem of Pink is a young James Spader. Playing the James Spader you've seen in every other one of his films. Smart, erudite, charmingly amoral. So it's a thing of consummate beauty as he plays the evil mastermind trying to break-up Molly's teen romance out of nothing more than spite. Who isn't a Spadyiac? Though the real question is, did James Spader create those early roles or did those early roles create James Spader?

Oh, yeah, and Andrew McCarthy plays the lead as Molly's 'too rich for the girl from the wrong side of the tracks' love interest. He's nice. Seems very... Andrew McCarthy-ish. And hey, there's nothing wrong with that. Plus there's a whole 'girl meets boy' plot going on and that's perfectly okay as well.

Great lines: “Isn't it great, so modern!”. “Every time you go to the john you lose IQ points”. “Whether or not you face the future it happens”. “If I was in a Turkish Prison I'd have a great time if I was with you”.

Falling in to the 'Hey did you know they were in it?' category: Annie Potts, Andrew 'Dice' Clay, Dweezil Zapper, Kristy Swanson.

Fashion wonders: Floral bobby-socks over white stockings. Vests! Lord when are vests going to come back into fashion. Men's hats worn rakishly on girls heads (and Duckie's...). Collars up! Jackets are to be worn with the sleeves pushed-up. Ray-Ban Wayfarers – the only cool sunglasses ever made. Teenagers wearing pearls. Non-ironic headbands. Cameo brooches.

Some Kind of Wonderful

Some Kind Of Wonderful, John Hughes' 1987 oft overlooked masterpiece, eclipsed by his lighter Pretty in Pink, Breakfast Club, and Sixteen Candles. Telling the story of a poor hard working boy (Eric Stoltz) falling madly in love with rich high school girl (Lea Thompson). All the while blind to the affections of his spunky drum playing hot friend (Mary Stewart Masterson).

Stoltz acts the film with a stoney intensity that borders on serial killer. It's a little uncomfortable to watch, especially the scenes where he's spying on Lea Thompson. Creepy. If the plot veered off and had Stoltz killing prostitutes to have sex with their severed heads, you'd probably just shrug and say, “eh, saw that coming”.

Lea Thompson is... well, Lea Thompson. Has she ever played a role where she wasn't flashing that smile and just seemed like she was buzzing on a small hit of coke? I've often thought that the main impediment to greater success for Thompson was her sheer like-ability. In this film she plays a slut.

Mary Stewart Masterson has all the best lines. 'Don't go mistaking paradise for a pair of long legs', 'It's better to swallow pride than blood', 'You're losing it. And when it's lost, all you are is a loser'. She's just the cutest fringed-glove wearing Confucius you'll ever find!

And the young Stewart Masterson is sexier in this film than any other. Her big impassioned watery eyes. Her near sexual frenzy when playing the drums. Mixed with the bristly nature she uses to protect her fragile heart, is a stand-out performance, that makes repeat viewing of this film very easy.

It's a very well cast film (including creepy Stoltz). Even the secondary characters like the neo-Nazi semi-retarded school thug, Duncan, with a mischievous nature and over abundance of wit. Like drawing a picture of what his girlfriend would look like without skin... “Nice”, says creepy Stoltz.

Hughes portrays Stoltz poor life the way most 80s directors sketched out on screen people who were short a few bucks... e.g.: copious amounts of food on the table, lots of possessions about the place, a giant record collection etc. Being poor in 80s cinema wasn't too bad.

Hughes is well known for crafting the soundscapes of his movies with contemporary songs, often drawn from the fringe of popular music at the time. This film is no different, with Hughes choosing to go for an Earthier heavier rock choices than he does in his frothier flicks. With such performers as the Stones, Lick The Tins, March Violets, Psychedelic Furs, and even a little Jesus And Mary Chain. Which goes well with the theme of the movie; the importance of being true to yourself. A trite message worn bare by a multitude of films, particularly Hughes own, but trotted out for a fine showing here.

I can't recommend Some Kind Of Wonderful enough. It's an 80s film that transcends it's decade and sidesteps cliché by embracing it head-on.